I’ve been thinking just a little about this concept this morning. I have a few goals for the year. The biggest of which is to get my writing to a point where I can get an agent and get published.
But more important that the goal is what am I actually going to do to achieve it. I have broken my addiction to SPP, and my Sookie MS page. I am breaking my twitter addiction tho it does keep drawing me back in. But like it did. I’ve spent very little time on it lately. So that is a start but what I need to do is actually put together a plan on how I am going to get my writing to the point I want it to be.
I need to work out what writing I am moving to the head of the pile to work on, how much time I want to put in to it, when I can put time into it, what I want to achieve in that time. It is unrealistic to say I want to put 8 hours a day to my writing and write a minimum of 5000 words a day. I have a life that needs my attention. I have a son that I want to have the benefits of being at home with a loving mother who wants to teach him so he doesn’t show up at school on the first day unsure which way up a book should go. And if mummy is sitting on her computer all day it doesn’t happen, no matter how “important” what I am doing is.
So today I am going to work on my writing when I can but I am also going to try and work out just how I can achieve my writing goal. It’s not going to be easy. I look at other authors like Stephen King and what sacrifices he made in the beginning to his craft and maybe it is time for me to make some of those sacrifices (and not write until 4am in the morning as much as I would love to but a sleeping on the couch mummy is not going to be any good for Kaeden nor for the electronics and house if he has free reign lol)
If I can find my Go MAD thinking book or e-book I will try and format my goal that way but otherwise I’ll just use my common sense.
Fox – Adaptability – ADAPT TO THE CHANGES that are happening
Wold – Guardian – YOU ARE SAFE and protected at all times
Salmon – Determination – You know where you are going and YOU WILL GET THERE
Well yesterday was a good day in some ways, like cleaning and sorting, but bad in others, ie exercise. But I’m not going to beat myself up about it I simply get back to it today. I didn’t sleep much from about 3am onward. Mixture of the muggy night, potential dehydration but needing to pee, and the HRV trying to cool the house and me being in a cold draft but it doing nothing for the cooling of the house. When I finally dreamed I had a strange dream. There were a few world of existence and one was totally run by this drug lord. We came from another world and had to try and escape. It got weird and complicated at that point and is now a bit hazy but I do remember trying to explain to the bad guys that the man they had captured was Hatter (ala Andrew Lee Potts) and he was powerful in his world and that I would help move their shipment in the other world if they wouldn’t kill us.
So today I need to get the work out and shower in before 10.30 and hope the teacup goes to sleep when I put him down cause we have a baby group playdate/lunch to go to. Which given his current I’m going to do every naughty and dangerous thing I can this morning and be a total grump when I get told no or taken away, is going to make for a very fun day. But it will be good to see people.
I think my tiredness is showing I’ve said basically nothing about the cards. I think perhaps I need to meditate. The Wolf on the cards is staring at me in that kind of way. Okay so I need to meditate and then work out and shower, then get K up and ready and then go to the supermarket and get something to share.
If I don’t fall asleep on the keyboard right now J
Swan – Grace – APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY inside and all around you
So these seem pretty straight forward and what I need to hear today. I do need to honour my soul’s purpose more. I know I have all these things I want to achieve, maybe that I am meant to achieve and I haven’t achieved most of them as yet. I have a tendency to get distracted by the fun stuff in the world and in life, things that often don’t matter and definitely don’t help me get ahead in life. Like tweeting the golden globes yesterday, while obviously fun and all it didn’t help my writing get finished. It didn’t help me meditate and it didn’t help me teach the faeling child anything (except stop touching the computer but then again he didn’t seem to want to learn that)
I am a healer and the first thing I need to heal is myself. And I am working on it but I know I can work harder. I have good days and bad days. I need to have more good days, days where I like myself just that little bit more. Where I can see the beauty that is inside me, the beauty my friends and family obviously see and love. Sometimes it is hard to do. Especially at those times of the month when I am pre period so retaining that extra little chubbiness. (I nearly wrote chubby but decided that had far too many dodgy comments and I am not Ricky Gervais and can’t get away with dodgy erectile jokes)
I am enjoying working on Children of the Immortals and I am starting to see the themes in there. The messages and teachings I want to get out into the world. I think that has been my problem in the past the themes just haven’t been there or have been too hidden or too obvious. It is a fine balance and I think for once maybe I am going to get it right. I also need to realise that I am not writing this book for the prudes and unadvanced people who are going to freak out or get weird about some of the concepts I am conveying. They are not evolved yet enough to grasp it, well maybe next life people you can pick up my best selling writing and get something deep and meaningful from it. Or at least enjoy it as a good read.
I should be used to people not quite understanding me, I think and believe outside the box and that is cool and wonderful, I just need to stop caring what everyone else thinks and trying to be something I am not to fit in. It’s not me and if others don’t appreciate who I am truly am then I don’t really need them in my life anyway. I guess it’s the Leo in me that want to be loved by all and adored by many. But the Leo in me should also want them to adore me for me and not as someone else. So today’s mission be myself totally everywhere I go and communicate. Own my uniqueness, my power. Stand tall and shake my feathers for everyone to see. I hate pretending and editing myself to be more user friendly.
Fox – Adaptability – ADAPT TO THE CHANGES that are happening
Pelican – Forgiveness – LET GO of your judgements
Koala – Empathy – Speak less and LISTEN MORE
So those ones are pretty self explanatory. Especially the Pelican. I think that is a person one for once. Often forgiveness is for those others in your life but I think it’s time to let go of self judgements. Body judgements, decision, judgements and all the life time of “stuff” that you are holding onto that is keeping you locked in negative cycles, self hating and loathing. The real step to being happy with your body is being happy with you, all the way through every level. Stop judging yourself and holding onto every little mistake you have made or time you have been involved in something you now regret. Okay so we need to learn from all our experiences but that does mean we need to cling to all the negative packaging that surrounds that lesson. We can’t grow and evolves and become the people we want to be if we are hunched over from the weight of all the crap on our back that we are not letting go of.
We are always going through changes and at the moment they are pretty big ones as we overhaul so many aspects of our lifestyle and ourselves. It isn’t easy and we do need to adapt and take time to realise that we need to adapt. It isn’t just going to happen (okay well sometimes it does) but really big changes do take effort to adapt to or eventually we will freak out and rebel against the changes thinking our life is no longer our control or spiralling away from us. Perhaps we all need to take time to reflect on that, meditate. Meditation doesn’t have to be about travelling to the spirit world or anything like that, it needs to be quiet time when its just you and the you inside your head. Take time to contemplate and explore life as it is going and make sure you are at peace with what is happening. There is no point in continuing on if we are not at peace with what we are doing.
Speak less, that is a rich one for me, I am constantly speaking and communicating. But I think this is to let me listen to well to me. Not just change in head first. I am often about action and not thought. I need to listen to me. To my instincts especially. We are conditioned to ignore instinct for mind. Our instincts are powerful things created and honed by all our experiences and all the wisdoms we have inherited. Use them, the more you use them, the more you trust them, the stronger and more on to it they will become. How many times have I ignored my initial gut reaction about someone and it has lead me to heartache or headache. Time to start listening up to me (that was directed at me, obviously if you are reading this you are already listening to me lol)
Not bad for 7.15am on a moody rain threatening day. I wonder if I can break my connection with the weather, so often I fall to depression that comes with the grey heavy clouds. Speaking of depression check this article out for an interesting take on why so many woman in the western world suffer some form of depression or psychological condition. http://iamhappy.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=links&action=display&thread=35
Okay time for me to finish my green tea and get busy so I can find that time to meditate with myself.
Giraffe – Foresight – YOU ARE ABLE TO SEE what is in store for the future
Monkey – Ingenuity – The situation calls for ADAPTABILITY and INNOVATION
So these ones are so straight forward to interpret in some ways so I will just start typing and see what comes from their inspiration.
The giraffe one makes me think about the power of visualisation. Paul McKenna is very big on the power of positive visualisation. And it is something I am trying to do. I am trying to visualise myself healthy and happy, able to leap tall buildings…wait back up LOL. Able to walk up steep hills with no hint of breathlessness. I want to go to Cathedral Cove again (That is the beach in Prince Caspian that the kids find themselves on when they poof back to Narnia). It is one of the most favourite beaches of Al and his friends. We don’t go often cause I am so embarrassed at how difficult I find the climb back up. It’s horrible being that way. I am visualising myself being able to go down, have a good day swimming and still have the energy to walk back up and not look like a total unfit muppet. I am visualising myself being able to fit my very cool clothes again, my Victoria secret bikini, my cool gypsy tops. To belly dance in a proper outfit without being ashamed of my flab doing continuing shimmies. I know I can achieve this one day at a time.
I realise now after years of attempts (back when I had very little to lose really) that fads and instant fixes either don’t work or are not sustainable. It’s all good cutting out carbohydrates but the day you go back to them again *insert balloon effect here* It’s not worth it. I’d rather take one day at a time and make it count. Every little effort is a step towards making yourself fitter and healthier. If five minutes is all I can muster on day one of trying a new exercise routine then so be it. Tomorrow I will try for six minutes and then seven minutes. Each day I get closer to my goal and I can celebrate my success.
My other big thing is to not deny myself something if I want it, but to compensate. Spend two days eating super super healthy so on day three I can have that smaller portion size banana split I want. I know already that I have the kind of personality if you deny me something I just want it all the more. I am only human, not some god with the will power of the ages. I know I want things that aren’t the healthiest for me, and life is not worth living if you can’t have enjoyment. So I know I can do things to make moderation okay. I can exercise and burn those extra calories, I can eat healthier in other areas and have smaller portion sizes. (Big tip here, use a smaller plate then your mind still sees a full plate….it does work), and I can eat slower and give my stomach a chance to realise it is full. I want to be healthy and happy not healthy and miserable. I know I will have junk food, fast food, decadent over the top goodness, from time to time. It’s not a problem, it is a reality and I embrace that fact and I accommodate. I know me and I’m not going to kid myself. Moderation moderation moderation.
So that is me thinking outside the box, thinking realistically. I can do this, one day at a time, keeping positive, and making the effort. And if I can then I know you can too!
Lizard – Dreamtime – Pay attention to your DREAMS and VISIONS
Well these two cards seem to slot together quite nicely. And it is what I am trying to do, though I think they go a bit deeper. I want to have daily meditation as part of my new regime and I didn’t yesterday. Granted yesterday was day one and I am not quite that brilliant that I assume I can do everything I want to from the very first day. I’ve done that before and it never lasts being all that gung ho. So I am not pushing myself. I have half a lifetime of experience in rebooting my life and I know what works and what doesn’t. But today I think, no I know, that I can find the time to meditate. I need to do it. I learn so much from my meditations. And I think perhaps I am ready now to act on them. So many lessons and offers of wisdom and help in my meditations have been pushed aside by me. Fear and laziness are the main culprits. Mainly laziness. It’s so much easier to just go along with the status quo in life than to push yourself for transformation. It’s so much easier to be (lol just typed me by accident, think that is a sign in itself lol) a normal person. Who wants to change and have to deal with the extra issues of being more aware and enlightened?
So if I’m doing this I guess I better be doing it all the way. And that means committing to my meditations too. They tell me things for a reason, there are things I can do to change and evolve, I need to just take the time and effort to do these things.
Antelope – Decisiveness – MAKE A DECISION and take appropriate action
Wolf – Guardian – YOU ARE SAFE and protected at all times
So life is doing that fun thing where it spirals out of your control and you feel totally helpless. I don’t want to go into details but life decisions and money are all conspiring to change the long term game plan.
I don’t like not feeling in control of my life because of things like a global economy breakdown, things I cannot in any way or shape control or bend to my almighty will. It blows the big one. Things that greedy men in power do to control the world and bend us over and give us one whether we like it or not.
But there are things in my life I can control and perhaps I am realising this morning I need to concentrate on them. Like my own body, what I eat, how much I exercise, how much I write and read. Things I am not really doing. Can I really complain about the big picture being out of my control when I won’t even make the effort to control the little picture? I’ve become too involved in internet life. I seem to go from one obsession to the next with it, from SPP to myspace to facebook to twitter. Granted it is fun, I am making friends and in the role playing being creative but is it really what I need to be doing to head my life in the right direction.
I keep lamenting everytime I look in the mirror the baby weight that is still hiding my real figure. The one I see in my head, the one I feel in my heart. Not a stick thin waif or anything, the curvy toned body of a dancer, of a minx (giggle). The way I know I want to look. I complain and complain and then have another banana split for dessert and look at my exercycle thinking “You know I should ride that tonight while we watch a movie.” And then I don’t. It is all my own fault. I love doing Zumba and Carman Electra Fit to Strip. I love to practice my dancing. So why the hell don’t I do it more. Because I let myself get pulled into the easy stuff, the fun stuff. I am my own self destructive obsession.
My goal this year is to get my writing to the point where I can approach an agent and say “Look I have these three separate novel series, I have these short stories, I have these children books and these poems. I have 672 other ideas waiting to be written. I am a cash cow for you if you will get the right publishing contract. I can make us both a shit load of money.” But I can’t do that while they sit half written, half edited, half created. And so far this year I have written twice. In 11 days I have created hardly anything. It is crap and I have very little excuse. I could have used free time for writing rather than tweeting, rather than watching nothing on television.
Sure I need time to play and keep my sanity but I don’t need as much time as I have been taking in the past.
Today hubs went back to work. So today starts my new routine, my new lifestyle. I can control these parts of my life. I can achieve what I want to achieve in these areas and perhaps the macrocosm will reflect the micro and I can gain control on the other parts of my life or at least gain the understanding that I do not need to control these things in my life. That not everything is controllable just the things I can. I can control things and I need to. And until I learn to control the small aspects of my life the easily controllable ones I will control nothing else.
The clock is ticking, my life is not infinite, I am thirty this year and I have no achieved some of the things that I had planned (Though I have two of the most important, a loving marriage and a wonderful child). So time to pull finger and get to it.
Within the merging of the lyrics, the music, the voices is the creation of an empowering entity that calls us to war with ourselves, with the nation, with existence. It draws us in with the drums of passion and power, of nobility and honour for truth. It calls to a primal echo within, an archetype the hero, the hunter and calls us to transform and become, to war, to battle for the affirmation of individual, transformation calling to the macrocosm to release and evolve.
In the caress of the voice and the dance of the music we are drawn out of ourselves to become, to transform, for this is war and there can be no victory without our sacrifice.
I am in a room, maybe of a castle. The walls are stone and it has the feeling of ancientness. The room is a bedroom. There is a large bed across the room from me. It has beautiful looking linens and many pillows. It looks decadent and welcoming. I am sitting at a small table, polished wood, maybe oak. There are many shelves built into the wall and they are filled with books and scrolls, parchment and pages. The table before me is piled high as well. A book is open before me. On the right hand side is a picture, it is beautifully drawn, bright and vibrant like it has been painted with shining jewels. There is a tree, an old ancient tree. From behind a face peers. He is cheeky and fun, a satyr perhaps, like Mr Taumnus or the god Pan. The tree is surrounded by flowers each a different colour and mix. I feel looking at this picture there is something missing. A woman perhaps, or maybe an animal but I am not sure.
A poem sits on the other page and though I try to read it the words never quite focus. I turn the page and there is a great tower, it is being struck by lightning and it is falling. I feel that I am inside the tower and I can feel it falling around me. Great stones toppling around me. The air is oppressive and I feel its weight. It is a great thing this tower falling. I know no magic could save its destruction. The page beside it is not fuzzy, its words beautifully calligraphy on the page.
Falling stones, falling moments, falling memories. Life rises and falls it is the nature of these things. As it falls around you be not afraid for all things must fall if we are to rebuild. This is your rebuilding. It is not smooth as the destruction is not complete yet. You feel the turmoil and destruction within you and around you. It flows through your mind and your soul and you are wound tight within it. You are near snapping and in places you have frayed. But have strength it will not tumble forever and then you may in all earnestness rebuild your tower within and without.
Do not look to the future but look to yourself. To the now and the how of who you have become and who you might wish to be. You cannot see the path ahead but need to find a place to put your feet. Look inside and see what you wish the path to hold, what you might imagine the destination to be. Walk the first step. Do not hurry.
Rome was not built in a day and neither were you. It takes time to tear down and time to build up. It takes time to return and to set forth once more. You will not build alone, you will not walk alone. You are not alone. But this alone is your decision. This alone is your struggle and though we may help we do so only at your bidding
A man enters I know him to be Valdinor but he is not in the appearance I know. “The shell is yours to change at will, as it is for me.” He says crossing the room to take my hand. I know this is not just a metaphor. My shell is mine to change if I can accept it and change it. He leads me from the room and we are in a courtyard of ruins. The vines have claimed the stones as their own and the result is beautiful. He twirls me by my hand “We have not danced in many moons, sometimes you forget you have. Your soul wishes to dance daily and yet you deny it the music from within it. You must dance and in the melody you will find your peace.” Our last dance was slow moving, elegant and beautiful. This dance as he leads me is passionate and fiery, quick moving and energetic. He stands taller now but somehow he is still the perfect height to dance me around the old stones. He dips me slowly and then spins me from him fast. I am now moving alone. The music is within me, I lead the step. I sway my body spinning to the beat. My body is alive with sensation and motion. My eyes are closed and I feel spirits around me dancing and moving with me. I sense Valdinor watching me, I sense his smile and his pride. I have not forgotten the dance of my soul, it is still here within me, flowing in my movement. I soar in delight. This is my magic. I hear his footsteps behind me and he take me into his arms once more and we dance together.
“Dance whenever, dance wherever. There is joy in you, there is magic in you and only in motion can you find this part of yourself. Dance often, feel the music.”
He dips me low and as he raises me up I return to myself
I stand on the beach, the wind is whipping my hair around my face. The sun is just rising and the black iron sand is cold on my bare feet. I can sense there are animals behind me but I am not ready to turn and face them, face their judgement just yet. I feel as the sun rays and wonder inwardly if I am going to explode to them like an ancient vampire. I know this is unlikely but I also know the sun is going to burn away some part of my.
I feel a hand in my own and turn to see Valdinor, my elfin seeming guide. “We are here to support you.” He says simply and squeezes my hand. The sun rises. The light envelops me with a fierce heat. I feel as if I am floating within a bubble of fire and light. The light seems to flow into me and then explode out my pores, my mouth, my eyes. I know I am hanging in the air like a burning crucifixion. All the bad in my body is being burned away. I am transitioning. The light in my eyes focuses and I see the path I should be walking on. I can see on either side the path I have been taking and the path I might take but I know the one before me is the one I should be walking. There is motion around me but I cannot see anything but the paths before me.
The heat begins to ease and I am lowered to the ground once more. The animals have formed a cirle around me. There are many. I have much to learn, much support to be given and many many friends who will help me on my way if I would put use them.
Horse
Platypus
Bengal Tiger
Wolf
Dog
Robin
Hawk
Jackal
Unicorn
Dragon
Ocelot
Lioness
Bat
Tortoise
Brown bear
Snake
Rhinoceros Beetle
A woman stands among the animals. She has blonde hair and a long white dress. The sun is still shining from her. I know without asking that if I were to ask her who she is she would reply “I am you and all that you can be, I am the mother gone before and the maiden yet to come, I am the wisdom of the ancient flowing in your veins, I am knowledge and peace, I am calm and surrender.”
She smiles and I feel peace inside. I know she will aid me if I call on her
A badger steps forward from the group. I had not noticed her before. She hands me a page and I read
‘Much in your life has fallen to the back or fallen away completely. You have been lost in things that do not move you forward as you must. Other things while being more irrelevant have thankfully given you a sense of power and intrigue. But now you must find the focus you once had. You must find the path once more. It is time to focus, a time for a new beginning. A time to become.
*Read all that you can
*Learn all that you wish
*Meditate daily
*Move your body freely to define it
*Eat what nature gives you and not only what man processes. You will feel better with a body cleansed
*Drink the flowing water, the more you drink the more pure you will feel
*Love
*Bring the child up as the child you wish him to be, teach him and he will learn
Daughter of the spirit, mother of the future, stop hiding in things you know to be meaningless. Stop denying you are who you are in the crutches of what other people may expect. Stop hiding. Why hide who you are and what you believe because of the frailty of others. Any who do not accept are not truly worthy. You are a bright shining light, do not be dimmed, do not shy away. Burn bright and burn well. Bring light to those you love and be a glimmer for those lost without their light.’
I move to give the piece of parchment back to the badger but she motions it is mine to keep. I know that I need to read it daily. I know I need to focus myself.
The woman in the white dress comes to stand at my left side. Valdinor still stands patiently at my right. They both place an arm around me and I am comforted and feel strong. I can feel my real world body healing itself. Renewing its energy. I know I can be who I want to be. I know I am no addict unable to see the things that are bad for me, the things that are wrong. I know my time of sickness is over, the transition complete. I am healed. I am whole. I am focused. I am ready
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