I’m not sure why I keep slipping back into old habits, old patterns. I guess they are comfortable even if they are not always enjoyable.
By now I should have at least 2 fully polished ready to go novels, I should have lost the weight I want to lose and be ready to open my dance studio. But I am not.
I am back where I always am, finding distraction and wasting energy on things that don’t matter. Or in this case people I don’t really know who have no place in my life yet I worry far too much about what they think of me.
Why do I do that? Is it because I was bullied as a kid and now seek out acceptance at every turn. Maybe. But is that really a god enough reason. I love making friends and meeting new people, especially via the internet where it is just so much easier. But the truth is that like real life not everyone is going to like me, not everyone is going to “get” me and not everyone is going to approve of the things that I do. And that goes both ways. I spend energy trying to win acceptance of people who at the end of the day I do not want in my life as they for the most part wrapped up in the negativity of their own lives and make no attempts to move forward and become a positive influence on the world. Or they are what we delightfully term garden variety psychopaths. I think you know what I mean by that.
Yet I crave their acceptance in a sick unhealthy need. Well more want. I don’t need it I want it. I want everyone to like me. And some days I want everyone to worship me. It’s delusional and really bad for me. I need to stop. Like so many other things I need to stop. I have the strength so why don’t I do it? Why do I sabotage myself? I honestly don’t know but I am back to that point again when I hate it. I want so badly to be a better person, to be a happy person. Sure things are pretty stressful at the moment due to things such as financial pressure, a down turn in the real estate market and such things as that. But life isn’t all that bad and things will get better. I know they will.
And things will get better starting with me. It takes maybe twenty minutes at the most to do a reading yet somehow I don’t do one every day. It takes half an hour to an hour to exercise and end up feeling better because of it yet I don’t. I do somehow find time to be on tumblr and reblog silly things that while making me laugh are not all that important. I find time to click through pages and think, I’m bored.
Well no more there is not point to that. I should blog things that are important to me and inspire me onward.
I am sick of being on this roundabout, stuck on loop going from inspired to depressed and back around again.
I can change my life for the better and only I can do that. I can find strength and happiness even in the darkest of places and times. That is part of being who I am, it’s about time I was me.
Posted in Feeling the Spirit, Personal.
By jai
– June 22, 2010
So life has been a rollercoaster of emotions lately. Some days I haven’t even wanted to face at all. I don’t know that I really want to get into them but some have been unavoidable and some have mainly been in my own head.
I am making an effort today to get back on track. Not much else I can do really. I’ve been doing as I normally do, relisting my priorities, working out what is important to me.
The Hermit
Take some me time, read, learn, create. Find your soul and your spirit. You know where to find the answers you are seeking.
The Magician
Magic lies in you and all that you do. It is time to come to terms with this and be all that you can be. The magic within you needs to be used, to be nurtured and in time it will grow and you will become the truly powerful influence for good in the world that you are so desperate to be.
Justice
You have been tried and your justice has been dealt. It is time to move forward now. You have judged yourself, you have punished yourself, now is the time to forgive yourself.
Seven of Pentacles
Rest, you do not need to be on the go in every moment of your life, take time to relax, rest, sleep. In sleep you will heal and recharge.
Well the cards are telling me what my soul already was.
One thing I think to know is that I need to bring more positive into my life. Need to break with things that just cause me distress. I don’t know just how to do this in some areas of my life but I am happy to say I am at least thinking about it.
Time to clear the air and get moving again.
Posted in Feeling the Spirit, Personal.
By jai
– May 27, 2010
I had a little chat with myself yesterday about my mood. I was tired and grumpy and hormonal. This resulted in my flipping out over a lost jandle and bursting into tears in the car. I realised it wasn’t worth it, I didn’t want to be unhappy, so I pulled over and flipped through my CD wallet and found a mix CD I had made entitled UP and I put it on. Bingo uplifting, inspiring music to help tell me that life is awesome and I am awesome and put a bloody smile on that face. (And yes I did pull over, I don’t want to crash with Kaeden in the car and I may be super talented at multi tasking but there are times to be zen and focus on one thing and one thing only and I think that time is driving when my life and the lives of others are a bit more at risk)(plus it means I am more focused to see the idiots on the road of which 42% of them were on the same roads as me yesterday)(also if you are reading this know that I will NEVER EVER drive with you if you text while driving. I do not believe there is anything that is important enough that has to be texted right there and then, and if it is that important it is important enough to take the 30 seconds to pull over and stop the vehicle)(okay soap box back in the cupboard.)
Today has been a much better day. First off I am excited that the people who saw through the house are coming back for a second look tomorrow. Promising. I told myself a little over two weeks ago that in three weeks we would have an unconditional offer on the house. I am sticking with my guns on this one. We have the power to influence the world through the power of belief.
OMG how fitting. A new song just started and the first words were “I Believe” Thank you Jared Leto for that (and the rest of 30 Seconds to Mars)(If you haven’t heard This Is War their new album, please do, it is very inspiring. I am in love with the album and have listened to it I don’t know how many time since I got it for Christmas.)
Planning to do some writing this weekend, Hubs is locked and loaded for Xboxing with friends in Auckland, hopefully they play tonight and Saturday. So while he goes hunting zombies or what ever it is in Borderlands, I shall enter my own world and take on the mantle of Fae, Vampire, Human and all things in between for my own adventures. I have to keep focused. Within the story is a television show, and this television show has now exploded into its own in my imagination and plans to come out either as said television show or short stories, and a perfect starting point for the Elven Lord and I to collaborate together on a writing project. (We have a couple of concepts waiting for us to find the time and insanity to create together)
I am really excited about this book. It combines so many ideas I’ve had wanting to be written since I was maybe Fourteen when I first started trying my hand at the novel. As Stephen King says (not in these words) sometimes two different ideas come together and the real story is born. So I truly believe that this could be the one for me, my first awesome novel and the start of my career as author-writer-bard.
I’ve had a couple of new ideas for children’s stories, so those have been jotted down and filed away ready to come alive at some point when I’m not working on COTI.
Okay time to do the Daily Reading for today. I didn’t do one yesterday I was too caught up in being bored and grumpy on the couch watching television shows I don’t like, or perhaps liked twenty years ago when they were first on.
Posted in Personal, writing.
Tagged with 30STM, believe, driving, emotion, grumpy, house, write, xbox.
By jai
– March 19, 2010
Busy morning so far. I’ve played around with the blog on transformationaffirmation.com (aka TrAff) the theme I used to use and tried to update has had a slight mental break down and now refuses to acknowledge my existence or that of my blogging. So I have found an acceptable alternative until such time as Atahaulpa takes its medication and regains normal working conditions.
I am going to be having a total overhaul at some stage this week or the next with TrAff as I created pages and a home page with the launch of my new endeavours. I am hoping that it answers the need in someone. The overhaul won’t happen overnight but it will happen (just like full volume hair). Ten years ago I was quite the little website creator, but alas technology is a fickle lover and she has left me far behind in this case. With some help from the Elven Lord (aka Hubby) I hope to be able achieve something that looks as good as I want while still being functional and not overwhelming.
So I tried to do the daily reading this morning while Kaeden was up. Not the best idea. He was in one of those moods where he doesn’t really need me to play with him. He just wants to know that he has my complete and undivided attention. So we gave up on that idea. I then tried again when he was in bed. Still nothing. Well I picked cards and I wrote but it was drivel and just didn’t feel right or flow in anyway. It was forced and not what I was meant to be writing. I tried channel surfing for a bit to shut my mind off for a bit and came across a Gavin Rossdale song. It wasn’t inspiring or anything in itself but it allowed my mind to still and my body to relax and as that lovely shiver of energy (or oxytocin) ran through my body a poem formed. It was one of the rambling, rhyming, lyrical variety. No punctuation just many lines of words that run off on their own little story and eventually come home. I don’t think I’ve ever posted on of these poems. I’m not sure if they can be read or have to be heard or have to be written in a spiral around a giant poster with a beautiful image in the centre. Once the poem had burst forth onto the paper I picked up the Celtic Dragon cards again and lo and behold it worked. The message to my mind flowed and worked and I feel good again about it.
I had a mild panic that I really couldn’t do it, I couldn’t read the cards more often than a few times at random intervals as they called to me. But it seems I just have to find that quietness of the soul, the peace of creation and let myself do it. And if that doesn’t work take a break, have a kitkat and come back again.
I’ve been thinking alot this morning about choosing my mood, that all my complaints are of my own choosing. That in fact I make myself miserable more than not. I also decided that some people simply use twitter to make others as depressed as they are. If we all made the effort to be happy it would be contagious I’m sure.
I’ve also been thinking about the real me and how I don’t always let her out. I am a mystical, spiritual, creative, crazy and wonderful person and I shouldn’t be so scared that people won’t like it. Cause the fact of the matter is that all the people that matter do like it, and lots that don’t matter like it. And if some people that are just sometimes sort of friends don’t well that is fine and we don’t have to become bosom buddies.
I had a work out this morning; well most of one, Kaeden wasn’t very happy at the concept of me on the floor and not being a jungle gym for him. But I haven’t done it in ages. I haven’t been on I AM in ages and written stuff down. In my shame I have been keeping away, from my own bloody website! Why am I ashamed? I preach that we shouldn’t be, that we should just try again. I should just follow my own advice. But I don’t, stupid girl that I am at times.
Okay that’s enough mental overflow for the moment.
Posted in Personal.
Tagged with achievement, blog, celtic dragon, design, meditation, poetry, reading, tarot, work out.
By jai
– March 16, 2010
We went away for the weekend, leaving the Faeling back in Hastings with Nana and Aunty Kat. So we headed to Wellington. We arrived in time to take a slight wrong turn but still get parked and to the cinema on time. Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Tim Burton has long been a favourite creator of the film variety and he did not disappoint. I was impressed, more than impressed. It was well acted, amazingly created and visualised and just WOW. Though now I need to watch it again I know just who the voices I recognised were. I seriously recommend it.
We did lots of walking around some of the streets of Wellington in the afternoon before returning to the hotel to get ready for the Town Hall talk with Neil Gaiman. Neil raised himself from the demi-god status of a favoured writer to a fully fledged god of Storytelling in my personal pantheon . He was interesting, witty, inspiring and a string of equally expressive and impressive words. If you get the chance to hear him speak and/or to hear him read his own work TAKE IT! You will not be disappointed. He gave the best advice for would be writers like myself. WRITE and then use any means necessary to get published. Although I think I prefer his first advice, kill a goat and then stand at your door at midnight, there will come three knocks don’t answer it, then there will be five knocks, answer it, Stephen King, JK Rowling and I will be standing there. (Approx words but you get the very amusing idea). Hell I’d do that just to get to meet the three of them for a chat. Let alone if it would get me through my writing and editing and get me published. The other advice he gave was finish! This is a bad habit of mine to start all guns blazing and then to start something else guns blazing. But I am trying my hardest to stick with Children of the Immortals. So now whenever I start to get distracted I will just have to have Neil on standby in my head yelling FINISH!
Hearing Neil read his own work was an AWEsome experience. His never before read poem to St Oran rolled lyrically from his tongue and through my imagination. He finished with an excerpt from American Gods, which just happened to be one of my favourite parts of the book, the breathless I believe in all this Mr Shadow speech. (For those there I do now wonder if he is expecting this to become a play and he put this in knowing there was a major costume change underway). I do wish I had been able to get a book signed by him but I was about to fall over from starvation and blisters (note to self check that that only pair of shoes you take still fit after not having worn them since before being pregnant). It was also nice to hear that I wasn’t the only Christian raised child to be completely oblivious to the fact that the Narnia tales were “Christian books” though I have to agree with Neil that they aren’t very good Christian books, given the complete lack of Dryads, fauns, giants, weverwolves and good, strong female characters in the bible. To conclude (and stop waffling) if they make an audio version of this talk I’m getting it to entertain and inspire once again.
Sunday was the Pompeii exhibit at Te Papa. It was fascinating. I have an affinity for ancient Rome and Greece, and this truly fed the affinity. There was a 3D animated 7 minute film of the last day of Pompeii which was wow. The flying embers had me blinking to keep them out of my eyes. Seeing the body castes was emotional and moving. To imagine the final moments of these people is truly terrifying and gives one a renewed respect for the awesome power that Mother Nature can unleash on us. I would love to see more of Pompeii and what has been saved and discovered. One day perhaps when I am on a world tour book signing for my latest best seller I will take the time to go and feed my curiosity. The only thing lacking in the exhibition in my humble opinion was in the are dedicated to the religion and personal gods of the house. Not once was there any mention to Doctor Donna, just not good enough really.
The way home was filled with conversation and planning. As most know we are selling our piece of paradise to move closer to family and Alyn’s work before we have the next Faeling. (No one in the family really wants it to happen, the property sale I mean not the next mini me; I think the Father In Law unit is still trying to find ways we can keep it. Other than Lotto I don’t see it happening.) So yes life is in upheaval with that, caught in stasis unsure of what will happen when and how it will all work out. But it has lead to some interesting side looks at aspects of the lifestyle. Alyn has suggested I professionalise my readings. As some of you may or may not know I do these fairly unique readings with my tarot cards, the Celtic Dragon pack by DJ Conway. No card means one thing, it is simply what I get when I look at it. The same card can have fifty million different messages at any given moment. So I do these readings, mainly for myself currently but often for friends and family, they aren’t exactly tarot readings as I have come to know them on the whole, these won’t tell you a new job will be here on Thursday or yes the bloke at the supermarket will propose in 3-6 months. My readings are more little messages from the universe to think or inspire. Alyn (now confirmed by Teej) thinks my readings are unique and have the ability to be wanted by the endless world out there. So now I am busy typing up sample readings and this week will be a flurry of activity to try and put together a cogent concept and put it into action. It might lead to some occasional pocket money or it could run me off my feet. But either way you never know without doing. So keep your eyes peeled for things to come!
Posted in Personal.
Tagged with Alice in Wonderland, Neil Gaiman, Pompeii, tarot, vacation, wellington, writer.
By jai
– March 15, 2010
I’ve been thinking just a little about this concept this morning. I have a few goals for the year. The biggest of which is to get my writing to a point where I can get an agent and get published.
But more important that the goal is what am I actually going to do to achieve it. I have broken my addiction to SPP, and my Sookie MS page. I am breaking my twitter addiction tho it does keep drawing me back in. But like it did. I’ve spent very little time on it lately. So that is a start but what I need to do is actually put together a plan on how I am going to get my writing to the point I want it to be.
I need to work out what writing I am moving to the head of the pile to work on, how much time I want to put in to it, when I can put time into it, what I want to achieve in that time. It is unrealistic to say I want to put 8 hours a day to my writing and write a minimum of 5000 words a day. I have a life that needs my attention. I have a son that I want to have the benefits of being at home with a loving mother who wants to teach him so he doesn’t show up at school on the first day unsure which way up a book should go. And if mummy is sitting on her computer all day it doesn’t happen, no matter how “important” what I am doing is.
So today I am going to work on my writing when I can but I am also going to try and work out just how I can achieve my writing goal. It’s not going to be easy. I look at other authors like Stephen King and what sacrifices he made in the beginning to his craft and maybe it is time for me to make some of those sacrifices (and not write until 4am in the morning as much as I would love to but a sleeping on the couch mummy is not going to be any good for Kaeden nor for the electronics and house if he has free reign lol)
If I can find my Go MAD thinking book or e-book I will try and format my goal that way but otherwise I’ll just use my common sense.
Posted in Personal.
Tagged with goal, gomadthinking, planning.
By jai
– February 9, 2010
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