Back to this point again

I’m not sure why I keep slipping back into old habits, old patterns. I guess they are comfortable even if they are not always enjoyable.

By now I should have at least 2 fully polished ready to go novels, I should have lost the weight I want to lose and be ready to open my dance studio. But I am not.

I am back where I always am, finding distraction and wasting energy on things that don’t matter. Or in this case people I don’t really know who have no place in my life yet I worry far too much about what they think of me.

Why do I do that? Is it because I was bullied as a kid and now seek out acceptance at every turn. Maybe. But is that really a god enough reason. I love making friends and meeting new people, especially via the internet where it is just so much easier. But the truth is that like real life not everyone is going to like me, not everyone is going to “get” me and not everyone is going to approve of the things that I do. And that goes both ways. I spend energy trying to win acceptance of people who at the end of the day I do not want in my life as they for the most part wrapped up in the negativity of their own lives and make no attempts to move forward and become a positive influence on the world. Or they are what we delightfully term garden variety psychopaths. I think you know what I mean by that.

Yet I crave their acceptance in a sick unhealthy need. Well more want. I don’t need it I want it. I want everyone to like me. And some days I want everyone to worship me. It’s delusional and really bad for me. I need to stop. Like so many other things I need to stop. I have the strength so why don’t I do it? Why do I sabotage myself? I honestly don’t know but I am back to that point again when I hate it. I want so badly to be a better person, to be a happy person. Sure things are pretty stressful at the moment due to things such as financial pressure, a down turn in the real estate market and such things as that. But life isn’t all that bad and things will get better. I know they will.

And things will get better starting with me. It takes maybe twenty minutes at the most to do a reading yet somehow I don’t do one every day. It takes half an hour to an hour to exercise and end up feeling better because of it yet I don’t. I do somehow find time to be on tumblr and reblog silly things that while making me laugh are not all that important. I find time to click through pages and think, I’m bored.

Well no more there is not point to that. I should blog things that are important to me and inspire me onward.

I am sick of being on this roundabout, stuck on loop going from inspired to depressed and back around again.

I can change my life for the better and only I can do that. I can find strength and happiness even in the darkest of places and times. That is part of being who I am, it’s about time I was me.