Wold – Guardian – YOU ARE SAFE and protected at all times

Salmon – Determination – You know where you are going and YOU WILL GET THERE

Well yesterday was a good day in some ways, like cleaning and sorting, but bad in others, ie exercise. But I’m not going to beat myself up about it I simply get back to it today. I didn’t sleep much from about 3am onward. Mixture of the muggy night, potential dehydration but needing to pee, and the HRV trying to cool the house and me being in a cold draft but it doing nothing for the cooling of the house. When I finally dreamed I had a strange dream. There were a few world of existence and one was totally run by this drug lord. We came from another world and had to try and escape. It got weird and complicated at that point and is now a bit hazy but I do remember trying to explain to the bad guys that the man they had captured was Hatter (ala Andrew Lee Potts) and he was powerful in his world and that I would help move their shipment in the other world if they wouldn’t kill us.

So today I need to get the work out and shower in before 10.30 and hope the teacup goes to sleep when I put him down cause we have a baby group playdate/lunch to go to. Which given his current I’m going to do every naughty and dangerous thing I can this morning and be a total grump when I get told no or taken away, is going to make for a very fun day. But it will be good to see people.

I think my tiredness is showing I’ve said basically nothing about the cards. I think perhaps I need to meditate. The Wolf on the cards is staring at me in that kind of way. Okay so I need to meditate and then work out and shower, then get K up and ready and then go to the supermarket and get something to share.

If I don’t fall asleep on the keyboard right now J

Raven – Magic – OWN your power

Snake – Healing – You are a HEALER

Swan – Grace – APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY inside and all around you

So these seem pretty straight forward and what I need to hear today. I do need to honour my soul’s purpose more. I know I have all these things I want to achieve, maybe that I am meant to achieve and I haven’t achieved most of them as yet. I have a tendency to get distracted by the fun stuff in the world and in life, things that often don’t matter and definitely don’t help me get ahead in life. Like tweeting the golden globes yesterday, while obviously fun and all it didn’t help my writing get finished. It didn’t help me meditate and it didn’t help me teach the faeling child anything (except stop touching the computer but then again he didn’t seem to want to learn that)

I am a healer and the first thing I need to heal is myself. And I am working on it but I know I can work harder. I have good days and bad days. I need to have more good days, days where I like myself just that little bit more. Where I can see the beauty that is inside me, the beauty my friends and family obviously see and love. Sometimes it is hard to do. Especially at those times of the month when I am pre period so retaining that extra little chubbiness. (I nearly wrote chubby but decided that had far too many dodgy comments and I am not Ricky Gervais and can’t get away with dodgy erectile jokes)

I am enjoying working on Children of the Immortals and I am starting to see the themes in there. The messages and teachings I want to get out into the world. I think that has been my problem in the past the themes just haven’t been there or have been too hidden or too obvious. It is a fine balance and I think for once maybe I am going to get it right. I also need to realise that I am not writing this book for the prudes and unadvanced people who are going to freak out or get weird about some of the concepts I am conveying. They are not evolved yet enough to grasp it, well maybe next life people you can pick up my best selling writing and get something deep and meaningful from it. Or at least enjoy it as a good read.

I should be used to people not quite understanding me, I think and believe outside the box and that is cool and wonderful, I just need to stop caring what everyone else thinks and trying to be something I am not to fit in. It’s not me and if others don’t appreciate who I am truly am then I don’t really need them in my life anyway. I guess it’s the Leo in me that want to be loved by all and adored by many. But the Leo in me should also want them to adore me for me and not as someone else. So today’s mission be myself totally everywhere I go and communicate. Own my uniqueness, my power. Stand tall and shake my feathers for everyone to see. I hate pretending and editing myself to be more user friendly.

As Mika says Love Love ME!

Pelican – Forgiveness – LET GO of your judgements

Koala – Empathy – Speak less and LISTEN MORE

So those ones are pretty self explanatory. Especially the Pelican. I think that is a person one for once. Often forgiveness is for those others in your life but I think it’s time to let go of self judgements. Body judgements, decision, judgements and all the life time of “stuff” that you are holding onto that is keeping you locked in negative cycles, self hating and loathing. The real step to being happy with your body is being happy with you, all the way through every level. Stop judging yourself and holding onto every little mistake you have made or time you have been involved in something you now regret. Okay so we need to learn from all our experiences but that does mean we need to cling to all the negative packaging that surrounds that lesson. We can’t grow and evolves and become the people we want to be if we are hunched over from the weight of all the crap on our back that we are not letting go of.

We are always going through changes and at the moment they are pretty big ones as we overhaul so many aspects of our lifestyle and ourselves. It isn’t easy and we do need to adapt and take time to realise that we need to adapt. It isn’t just going to happen (okay well sometimes it does) but really big changes do take effort to adapt to or eventually we will freak out and rebel against the changes thinking our life is no longer our control or spiralling away from us. Perhaps we all need to take time to reflect on that, meditate. Meditation doesn’t have to be about travelling to the spirit world or anything like that, it needs to be quiet time when its just you and the you inside your head. Take time to contemplate and explore life as it is going and make sure you are at peace with what is happening. There is no point in continuing on if we are not at peace with what we are doing.

Speak less, that is a rich one for me, I am constantly speaking and communicating. But I think this is to let me listen to well to me. Not just change in head first. I am often about action and not thought. I need to listen to me. To my instincts especially. We are conditioned to ignore instinct for mind. Our instincts are powerful things created and honed by all our experiences and all the wisdoms we have inherited. Use them, the more you use them, the more you trust them, the stronger and more on to it they will become. How many times have I ignored my initial gut reaction about someone and it has lead me to heartache or headache. Time to start listening up to me (that was directed at me, obviously if you are reading this you are already listening to me lol)

Not bad for 7.15am on a moody rain threatening day. I wonder if I can break my connection with the weather, so often I fall to depression that comes with the grey heavy clouds.  Speaking of depression check this article out for an interesting take on why so many woman in the western world suffer some form of depression or psychological condition. http://iamhappy.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=links&action=display&thread=35

Okay time for me to finish my green tea and get busy so I can find that time to meditate with myself.

Giraffe – Foresight – YOU ARE ABLE TO SEE what is in store for the future

Monkey – Ingenuity – The situation calls for ADAPTABILITY and INNOVATION

So these ones are so straight forward to interpret in some ways so I will just start typing and see what comes from their inspiration.

The giraffe one makes me think about the power of visualisation. Paul McKenna is very big on the power of positive visualisation. And it is something I am trying to do. I am trying to visualise myself healthy and happy, able to leap tall buildings…wait back up LOL. Able to walk up steep hills with no hint of breathlessness. I want to go to Cathedral Cove again (That is the beach in Prince Caspian that the kids find themselves on when they poof back to Narnia). It is one of the most favourite beaches of Al and his friends. We don’t go often cause I am so embarrassed at how difficult I find the climb back up. It’s horrible being that way. I am visualising myself being able to go down, have a good day swimming and still have the energy to walk back up and not look like a total unfit muppet. I am visualising myself being able to fit my very cool clothes again, my Victoria secret bikini, my cool gypsy tops. To belly dance in a proper outfit without being ashamed of my flab doing continuing shimmies. I know I can achieve this one day at a time.

I realise now after years of attempts (back when I had very little to lose really) that fads and instant fixes either don’t work or are not sustainable. It’s all good cutting out carbohydrates but the day you go back to them again *insert balloon effect here* It’s not worth it. I’d rather take one day at a time and make it count. Every little effort is a step towards making yourself fitter and healthier. If five minutes is all I can muster on day one of trying a new exercise routine then so be it. Tomorrow I will try for six minutes and then seven minutes. Each day I get closer to my goal and I can celebrate my success.

My other big thing is to not deny myself something if I want it, but to compensate. Spend two days eating super super healthy so on day three I can have that smaller portion size banana split I want. I know already that I have the kind of personality if you deny me something I just want it all the more. I am only human, not some god with the will power of the ages. I know I want things that aren’t the healthiest for me, and life is not worth living if you can’t have enjoyment. So I know I can do things to make moderation okay. I can exercise and burn those extra calories, I can eat healthier in other areas and have smaller portion sizes. (Big tip here, use a smaller plate then your mind still sees a full plate….it does work), and I can eat slower and give my stomach a chance to realise it is full. I want to be healthy and happy not healthy and miserable. I know I will have junk food, fast food, decadent over the top goodness, from time to time. It’s not a problem, it is a reality and I embrace that fact and I accommodate. I know me and I’m not going to kid myself. Moderation moderation moderation.

So that is me thinking outside the box, thinking realistically. I can do this, one day at a time, keeping positive, and making the effort. And if I can then I know you can too!

Lizard – Dreamtime – Pay attention to your DREAMS and VISIONS

Well these two cards seem to slot together quite nicely. And it is what I am trying to do, though I think they go a bit deeper. I want to have daily meditation as part of my new regime and I didn’t yesterday. Granted yesterday was day one and I am not quite that brilliant that I assume I can do everything I want to from the very first day. I’ve done that before and it never lasts being all that gung ho. So I am not pushing myself. I have half a lifetime of experience in rebooting my life and I know what works and what doesn’t. But today I think, no I know, that I can find the time to meditate. I need to do it. I learn so much from my meditations. And I think perhaps I am ready now to act on them. So many lessons and offers of wisdom and help in my meditations have been pushed aside by me. Fear and laziness are the main culprits. Mainly laziness. It’s so much easier to just go along with the status quo in life than to push yourself for transformation. It’s so much easier to be (lol just typed me by accident, think that is a sign in itself lol) a normal person. Who wants to change and have to deal with the extra issues of being more aware and enlightened?

So if I’m doing this I guess I better be doing it all the way. And that means committing to my meditations too. They tell me things for a reason, there are things I can do to change and evolve, I need to just take the time and effort to do these things.

Spirit and dreamtime here I come!

Dolphin – Playfulness- Take time to Play

Antelope – Decisiveness – MAKE A DECISION and take appropriate action

Wolf – Guardian – YOU ARE SAFE and protected at all times

So life is doing that fun thing where it spirals out of your control and you feel totally helpless. I don’t want to go into details but life decisions and money are all conspiring to change the long term game plan.

I don’t like not feeling in control of my life because of things like a global economy breakdown, things I cannot in any way or shape control or bend to my almighty will. It blows the big one. Things that greedy men in power do to control the world and bend us over and give us one whether we like it or not.

But there are things in my life I can control and perhaps I am realising this morning I need to concentrate on them. Like my own body, what I eat, how much I exercise, how much I write and read. Things I am not really doing. Can I really complain about the big picture being out of my control when I won’t even make the effort to control the little picture? I’ve become too involved in internet life. I seem to go from one obsession to the next with it, from SPP to myspace to facebook to twitter. Granted it is fun, I am making friends and in the role playing being creative but is it really what I need to be doing to head my life in the right direction.

I keep lamenting everytime I look in the mirror the baby weight that is still hiding my real figure. The one I see in my head, the one I feel in my heart. Not a stick thin waif or anything, the curvy toned body of a dancer, of a minx (giggle). The way I know I want to look. I complain and complain and then have another banana split for dessert and look at my exercycle thinking “You know I should ride that tonight while we watch a movie.” And then I don’t. It is all my own fault. I love doing Zumba and Carman Electra Fit to Strip. I love to practice my dancing. So why the hell don’t I do it more. Because I let myself get pulled into the easy stuff, the fun stuff. I am my own self destructive obsession.

My goal this year is to get my writing to the point where I can approach an agent and say “Look I have these three separate novel series, I have these short stories, I have these children books and these poems. I have 672 other ideas waiting to be written. I am a cash cow for you if you will get the right publishing contract. I can make us both a shit load of money.” But I can’t do that while they sit half written, half edited, half created. And so far this year I have written twice. In 11 days I have created hardly anything. It is crap and I have very little excuse. I could have used free time for writing rather than tweeting, rather than watching nothing on television.

Sure I need time to play and keep my sanity but I don’t need as much time as I have been taking in the past.

Today hubs went back to work. So today starts my new routine, my new lifestyle. I can control these parts of my life. I can achieve what I want to achieve in these areas and perhaps the macrocosm will reflect the micro and I can gain control on the other parts of my life or at least gain the understanding that I do not need to control these things in my life. That not everything is controllable just the things I can. I can control things and I need to. And until I learn to control the small aspects of my life the easily controllable ones I will control nothing else.

The clock is ticking, my life is not infinite, I am thirty this year and I have no achieved some of the things that I had planned (Though I have two of the most important, a loving marriage and a wonderful child). So time to pull finger and get to it.

Today I start to find my own control.

Rabbit – Fertility – You Creativity is at a peak
Buffalo – Abundance – You are provided for in all ways
Cougar – Confidence – Be bold and take charge
Lion – Courage – Ask for what you want
Otter – Surrender – Let go of control

I dreamed of an animal I still don’t know what it was but I was leaning towards leopard or cougar so I guess it makes sense that a big cat popped up in my reading.

Last night I was feeling a bit sorry for myself that I had all this time and nothing to do. Totally wrong of course as a writer there is always something to do if I just man up and make an effort. Its like that with most things with me. If I actually get my a into g and do something I can achieve all kinds of things. I’m not sure why I am so wired sometimes to laziness and copping out.

I need to get over that and grow up. Every decision I make is my own and I do not need to let so many “hard-wired” things control my life. I let myself seem that way, nothing else is controlling me just me.

So last night I did some writing, and this morning I did some more. I’ve done some house keeping and made a loaf of bread that is cooking. I can achieve so much. No minute should be wasted. I have no excuses except myself and I hate when people make stupid excuses so I shouldn’t let myself.

Frog – Purification – CLEAR OUT the clutter
Raccoon – Resourcefulness – You have all the RESOURCES you need
Horse – Freedom – You always have a CHOICE

So the last few weeks have been frantic with family sickness and stuff. I haven’t been as active as I could have been. The last few days I have been sick AGAIN. One thing is clear to me I never get sick like this when I am active and healthy!! So I am to it today. Still not feeling the best but feeling well enough thanks to some panadol. So today I try Zumba for the first time. I flicked through the DVD and it looks fun and I love dancing what more can I want?

So I have the resources I need to do everything I want and need to do to get fit, to get healthy, to get rid of this post pregnancy overhang and get my body nice and healthy ready for us to start trying for our next child.

I always have the choice to eat good or bad and to exercise or not to exercise. And as I am lazy by nature I generally make the wrong choice for my own good.

It is time to clear out the clutter of my life, bad habits and all the emotional type stuff, as well as physical. My bedroom looks like a clothing store exploded, everything that was packed from our trip to Auckland as well as the last 2 loads of washing all got thrown into a pile after I went crazy trying to find a certain pair of Kaeden’s pants.

So I have reorganised the I AM message board and started using it again. I welcome anyone else who wants to use it with me, or just come support me.

Thought this was quite fitting for today as I kick my butt into gear to get fit and healthy, toned and trim.

The last week I have been a bit under the weather and we thought I was pregnant. Two home tests and one blood test later and it appears that I am not (the quesy was not morning sickness….more’s the pity really it would have been easy to handle)

So today I am passionate to achieve my goals. To spend more time writing, to spend more time exercising, to spend more time playing, to spend more time eating healthy and taking the time to make better and more interesting healthy meals.

And then I picked that card. So today I follow my passions and tomorrow and the next day and so on and so forth for the rest of my life!

So SPP is turning to custard and each day I log on to myspace to see my SPP friends more and more upset by the game. I decided to pull some cards to give me a message. And that message was about me, not a game, not them. It was about me and my dreams and desires and life path.
I need to stop worrying about them.
I know what I want to be doing and that is enjoying my life. I want to play with my son and teach him. I want to write my books and short stories and poems and enjoy doing it. I want to explore my spirituality and see where it leads me and what I can learn.
I got bogged down the last few days in the dramas and depression. I haven’t written anything or even thought about writing. I have been distractable while playing with Kaeden.
Enough is enough. I don’t want that and I don’t need that.

On the plus side though I am getting better with my exercise and not snacking like I used to