By now I should have at least 2 fully polished ready to go novels, I should have lost the weight I want to lose and be ready to open my dance studio. But I am not.

I am back where I always am, finding distraction and wasting energy on things that don’t matter. Or in this case people I don’t really know who have no place in my life yet I worry far too much about what they think of me.

Why do I do that? Is it because I was bullied as a kid and now seek out acceptance at every turn. Maybe. But is that really a god enough reason. I love making friends and meeting new people, especially via the internet where it is just so much easier. But the truth is that like real life not everyone is going to like me, not everyone is going to “get” me and not everyone is going to approve of the things that I do. And that goes both ways. I spend energy trying to win acceptance of people who at the end of the day I do not want in my life as they for the most part wrapped up in the negativity of their own lives and make no attempts to move forward and become a positive influence on the world. Or they are what we delightfully term garden variety psychopaths. I think you know what I mean by that.

Yet I crave their acceptance in a sick unhealthy need. Well more want. I don’t need it I want it. I want everyone to like me. And some days I want everyone to worship me. It’s delusional and really bad for me. I need to stop. Like so many other things I need to stop. I have the strength so why don’t I do it? Why do I sabotage myself? I honestly don’t know but I am back to that point again when I hate it. I want so badly to be a better person, to be a happy person. Sure things are pretty stressful at the moment due to things such as financial pressure, a down turn in the real estate market and such things as that. But life isn’t all that bad and things will get better. I know they will.

And things will get better starting with me. It takes maybe twenty minutes at the most to do a reading yet somehow I don’t do one every day. It takes half an hour to an hour to exercise and end up feeling better because of it yet I don’t. I do somehow find time to be on tumblr and reblog silly things that while making me laugh are not all that important. I find time to click through pages and think, I’m bored.

Well no more there is not point to that. I should blog things that are important to me and inspire me onward.

I am sick of being on this roundabout, stuck on loop going from inspired to depressed and back around again.

I can change my life for the better and only I can do that. I can find strength and happiness even in the darkest of places and times. That is part of being who I am, it’s about time I was me.

I am making an effort today to get back on track. Not much else I can do really. I’ve been doing as I normally do, relisting my priorities, working out what is important to me.

The Hermit

Take some me time, read, learn, create. Find your soul and your spirit. You know where to find the answers you are seeking.

The Magician

Magic lies in you and all that you do. It is time to come to terms with this and be all that you can be. The magic within you needs to be used, to be nurtured and in time it will grow and you will become the truly powerful influence for good in the world that you are so desperate to be.

Justice

You have been tried and your justice has been dealt. It is time to move forward now. You have judged yourself, you have punished yourself, now is the time to forgive yourself.

Seven of Pentacles

Rest, you do not need to be on the go in every moment of your life, take time to relax, rest, sleep. In sleep you will heal and recharge.

Well the cards are telling me what my soul already was.

One thing I think to know is that I need to bring more positive into my life. Need to break with things that just cause me distress. I don’t know just how to do this in some areas of my life but I am happy to say I am at least thinking about it.

Time to clear the air and get moving again.

Lizard – Dreamtime – Pay attention to your DREAMS and VISIONS

Well these two cards seem to slot together quite nicely. And it is what I am trying to do, though I think they go a bit deeper. I want to have daily meditation as part of my new regime and I didn’t yesterday. Granted yesterday was day one and I am not quite that brilliant that I assume I can do everything I want to from the very first day. I’ve done that before and it never lasts being all that gung ho. So I am not pushing myself. I have half a lifetime of experience in rebooting my life and I know what works and what doesn’t. But today I think, no I know, that I can find the time to meditate. I need to do it. I learn so much from my meditations. And I think perhaps I am ready now to act on them. So many lessons and offers of wisdom and help in my meditations have been pushed aside by me. Fear and laziness are the main culprits. Mainly laziness. It’s so much easier to just go along with the status quo in life than to push yourself for transformation. It’s so much easier to be (lol just typed me by accident, think that is a sign in itself lol) a normal person. Who wants to change and have to deal with the extra issues of being more aware and enlightened?

So if I’m doing this I guess I better be doing it all the way. And that means committing to my meditations too. They tell me things for a reason, there are things I can do to change and evolve, I need to just take the time and effort to do these things.

Spirit and dreamtime here I come!

Dolphin – Playfulness- Take time to Play

Antelope – Decisiveness – MAKE A DECISION and take appropriate action

Wolf – Guardian – YOU ARE SAFE and protected at all times

So life is doing that fun thing where it spirals out of your control and you feel totally helpless. I don’t want to go into details but life decisions and money are all conspiring to change the long term game plan.

I don’t like not feeling in control of my life because of things like a global economy breakdown, things I cannot in any way or shape control or bend to my almighty will. It blows the big one. Things that greedy men in power do to control the world and bend us over and give us one whether we like it or not.

But there are things in my life I can control and perhaps I am realising this morning I need to concentrate on them. Like my own body, what I eat, how much I exercise, how much I write and read. Things I am not really doing. Can I really complain about the big picture being out of my control when I won’t even make the effort to control the little picture? I’ve become too involved in internet life. I seem to go from one obsession to the next with it, from SPP to myspace to facebook to twitter. Granted it is fun, I am making friends and in the role playing being creative but is it really what I need to be doing to head my life in the right direction.

I keep lamenting everytime I look in the mirror the baby weight that is still hiding my real figure. The one I see in my head, the one I feel in my heart. Not a stick thin waif or anything, the curvy toned body of a dancer, of a minx (giggle). The way I know I want to look. I complain and complain and then have another banana split for dessert and look at my exercycle thinking “You know I should ride that tonight while we watch a movie.” And then I don’t. It is all my own fault. I love doing Zumba and Carman Electra Fit to Strip. I love to practice my dancing. So why the hell don’t I do it more. Because I let myself get pulled into the easy stuff, the fun stuff. I am my own self destructive obsession.

My goal this year is to get my writing to the point where I can approach an agent and say “Look I have these three separate novel series, I have these short stories, I have these children books and these poems. I have 672 other ideas waiting to be written. I am a cash cow for you if you will get the right publishing contract. I can make us both a shit load of money.” But I can’t do that while they sit half written, half edited, half created. And so far this year I have written twice. In 11 days I have created hardly anything. It is crap and I have very little excuse. I could have used free time for writing rather than tweeting, rather than watching nothing on television.

Sure I need time to play and keep my sanity but I don’t need as much time as I have been taking in the past.

Today hubs went back to work. So today starts my new routine, my new lifestyle. I can control these parts of my life. I can achieve what I want to achieve in these areas and perhaps the macrocosm will reflect the micro and I can gain control on the other parts of my life or at least gain the understanding that I do not need to control these things in my life. That not everything is controllable just the things I can. I can control things and I need to. And until I learn to control the small aspects of my life the easily controllable ones I will control nothing else.

The clock is ticking, my life is not infinite, I am thirty this year and I have no achieved some of the things that I had planned (Though I have two of the most important, a loving marriage and a wonderful child). So time to pull finger and get to it.

Today I start to find my own control.

In the caress of the voice and the dance of the music we are drawn out of ourselves to become, to transform, for this is war and there can be no victory without our sacrifice.

Calling and stirring

Impassioned… empowered

To Act

To Achieve

To Transform

I am frenzied and at peace.

Excited for the coming dawn

For chance

For the choice

To fight and rejoice

A poem sits on the other page and though I try to read it the words never quite focus. I turn the page and there is a great tower, it is being struck by lightning and it is falling. I feel that I am inside the tower and I can feel it falling around me. Great stones toppling around me. The air is oppressive and I feel its weight. It is a great thing this tower falling. I know no magic could save its destruction. The page beside it is not fuzzy, its words beautifully calligraphy on the page.

Falling stones, falling moments, falling memories. Life rises and falls it is the nature of these things. As it falls around you be not afraid for all things must fall if we are to rebuild. This is your rebuilding. It is not smooth as the destruction is not complete yet. You feel the turmoil and destruction within you and around you. It flows through your mind and your soul and you are wound tight within it. You are near snapping and in places you have frayed. But have strength it will not tumble forever and then you may in all earnestness rebuild your tower within and without.

Do not look to the future but look to yourself. To the now and the how of who you have become and who you might wish to be. You cannot see the path ahead but need to find a place to put your feet. Look inside and see what you wish the path to hold, what you might imagine the destination to be. Walk the first step. Do not hurry.

Rome was not built in a day and neither were you. It takes time to tear down and time to build up. It takes time to return and to set forth once more. You will not build alone, you will not walk alone. You are not alone. But this alone is your decision. This alone is your struggle and though we may help we do so only at your bidding

A man enters I know him to be Valdinor but he is not in the appearance I know. “The shell is yours to change at will, as it is for me.” He says crossing the room to take my hand. I know this is not just a metaphor. My shell is mine to change if I can accept it and change it. He leads me from the room and we are in a courtyard of ruins. The vines have claimed the stones as their own and the result is beautiful. He twirls me by my hand “We have not danced in many moons, sometimes you forget you have. Your soul wishes to dance daily and yet you deny it the music from within it. You must dance and in the melody you will find your peace.” Our last dance was slow moving, elegant and beautiful. This dance as he leads me is passionate and fiery, quick moving and energetic. He stands taller now but somehow he is still the perfect height to dance me around the old stones. He dips me slowly and then spins me from him fast. I am now moving alone. The music is within me, I lead the step. I sway my body spinning to the beat. My body is alive with sensation and motion. My eyes are closed and I feel spirits around me dancing and moving with me. I sense Valdinor watching me, I sense his smile and his pride. I have not forgotten the dance of my soul, it is still here within me, flowing in my movement. I soar in delight. This is my magic. I hear his footsteps behind me and he take me into his arms once more and we dance together.

“Dance whenever, dance wherever. There is joy in you, there is magic in you and only in motion can you find this part of yourself. Dance often, feel the music.”

He dips me low and as he raises me up I return to myself

I feel a hand in my own and turn to see Valdinor, my elfin seeming guide. “We are here to support you.” He says simply and squeezes my hand. The sun rises. The light envelops me with a fierce heat. I feel as if I am floating within a bubble of fire and light. The light seems to flow into me and then explode out my pores, my mouth, my eyes. I know I am hanging in the air like a burning crucifixion. All the bad in my body is being burned away. I am transitioning. The light in my eyes focuses and I see the path I should be walking on. I can see on either side the path I have been taking and the path I might take but I know the one before me is the one I should be walking. There is motion around me but I cannot see anything but the paths before me.

The heat begins to ease and I am lowered to the ground once more. The animals have formed a cirle around me. There are many. I have much to learn, much support to be given and many many friends who will help me on my way if I would put use them.

Horse

Platypus

Bengal Tiger

Wolf

Dog

Robin

Hawk

Jackal

Unicorn

Dragon

Ocelot

Lioness

Bat

Tortoise

Brown bear

Snake

Rhinoceros Beetle

A woman stands among the animals. She has blonde hair and a long white dress. The sun is still shining from her. I know without asking that if I were to ask her who she is she would reply “I am you and all that you can be, I am the mother gone before and the maiden yet to come, I am the wisdom of the ancient flowing in your veins, I am knowledge and peace, I am calm and surrender.”

She smiles and I feel peace inside. I know she will aid me if I call on her

A badger steps forward from the group. I had not noticed her before. She hands me a page and I read

‘Much in your life has fallen to the back or fallen away completely. You have been lost in things that do not move you forward as you must. Other things while being more irrelevant have thankfully given you a sense of power and intrigue. But now you must find the focus you once had. You must find the path once more. It is time to focus, a time for a new beginning. A time to become.

*Read all that you can

*Learn all that you wish

*Meditate daily

*Move your body freely to define it

*Eat what nature gives you and not only what man processes. You will feel better with a body cleansed

*Drink the flowing water, the more you drink the more pure you will feel

*Love

*Bring the child up as the child you wish him to be, teach him and he will learn

Daughter of the spirit, mother of the future, stop hiding in things you know to be meaningless. Stop denying you are who you are in the crutches of what other people may expect. Stop hiding. Why hide who you are and what you believe because of the frailty of others. Any who do not accept are not truly worthy. You are a bright shining light, do not be dimmed, do not shy away. Burn bright and burn well. Bring light to those you love and be a glimmer for those lost without their light.’

I move to give the piece of parchment back to the badger but she motions it is mine to keep. I know that I need to read it daily. I know I need to focus myself.

The woman in the white dress comes to stand at my left side. Valdinor still stands patiently at my right. They both place an arm around me and I am comforted and feel strong. I can feel my real world body healing itself. Renewing its energy. I know I can be who I want to be. I know I am no addict unable to see the things that are bad for me, the things that are wrong. I know my time of sickness is over, the transition complete. I am healed. I am whole. I am focused. I am ready

So SPP is turning to custard and each day I log on to myspace to see my SPP friends more and more upset by the game. I decided to pull some cards to give me a message. And that message was about me, not a game, not them. It was about me and my dreams and desires and life path.
I need to stop worrying about them.
I know what I want to be doing and that is enjoying my life. I want to play with my son and teach him. I want to write my books and short stories and poems and enjoy doing it. I want to explore my spirituality and see where it leads me and what I can learn.
I got bogged down the last few days in the dramas and depression. I haven’t written anything or even thought about writing. I have been distractable while playing with Kaeden.
Enough is enough. I don’t want that and I don’t need that.

On the plus side though I am getting better with my exercise and not snacking like I used to

I know I’m usually a advocate of writing and doing the research after. But this story just won’t come. I know I am out of practice with my writing and need to get back into doing it daily and inviting my muse to come along and help out (read Stephen King on Writing to understand that reference). So doing this research is helping get my mind back into the game.

I also watched Practical Magic while I was researching. I love that movie and the way it makes me feel. The music is brilliant. I can see myself and my sisters in them too. There is an argument the sisters have and it is pretty much word for word one me and B had many years ago. I always cry at the end when they do the hands. Something about it really moves something deep inside. Plus watching it helped with some inspiration for my story.

The sun has come out today so that has helped my mood as well. As much as I love the moon I am a Leo, a child of the sun and it always helps energise me (even if it doesn’t seem to tan me anymore).

I think I shall go have a mandarin now and think about what I want to read next. I haven’t read a novel in a week or two and I am having withdrawls. I just need to find something to read. I am desperate to read “The Singing Stone” by OR Melling. But I cannot find anywhere in NZ that has it or sells it So off to the bookcase I go…

Hawk- Focus- CHOOSE YOUR PRIORITIES and eliminate all distractions.

Pretty pointed. But the weird/coincindinkle part is that I had a dream that featured a hawk very prominintly in it. So I’m thinking its a very BIG message. I woke up with a great idea for a story. I have done very little writing lately. Or researching for that matter. I think its about time I did. This idea, like many of my ideas, could be a good short story for the time being.

I need to relearn how to write a short story, they always tend to get away from me. So I think I should start back on writing again. I admit this week with being unwell I have been playing a bit of alchemy, too much SPP and spent far to much time on facebook leaving crazy comments on Lynette’s quiz results. I may have also watched a little DOOL (I know how sad is that….but its stuff I heard about 5 years ago when it was on in the states and we are only just getting it now. )(still no excuse I know!)

So some writing today I reckon. Now I just need to decide on the name I like better “Coven of 13″ or “13 of the power” or maybe I should just write and worry later