By now I should have at least 2 fully polished ready to go novels, I should have lost the weight I want to lose and be ready to open my dance studio. But I am not.

I am back where I always am, finding distraction and wasting energy on things that don’t matter. Or in this case people I don’t really know who have no place in my life yet I worry far too much about what they think of me.

Why do I do that? Is it because I was bullied as a kid and now seek out acceptance at every turn. Maybe. But is that really a god enough reason. I love making friends and meeting new people, especially via the internet where it is just so much easier. But the truth is that like real life not everyone is going to like me, not everyone is going to “get” me and not everyone is going to approve of the things that I do. And that goes both ways. I spend energy trying to win acceptance of people who at the end of the day I do not want in my life as they for the most part wrapped up in the negativity of their own lives and make no attempts to move forward and become a positive influence on the world. Or they are what we delightfully term garden variety psychopaths. I think you know what I mean by that.

Yet I crave their acceptance in a sick unhealthy need. Well more want. I don’t need it I want it. I want everyone to like me. And some days I want everyone to worship me. It’s delusional and really bad for me. I need to stop. Like so many other things I need to stop. I have the strength so why don’t I do it? Why do I sabotage myself? I honestly don’t know but I am back to that point again when I hate it. I want so badly to be a better person, to be a happy person. Sure things are pretty stressful at the moment due to things such as financial pressure, a down turn in the real estate market and such things as that. But life isn’t all that bad and things will get better. I know they will.

And things will get better starting with me. It takes maybe twenty minutes at the most to do a reading yet somehow I don’t do one every day. It takes half an hour to an hour to exercise and end up feeling better because of it yet I don’t. I do somehow find time to be on tumblr and reblog silly things that while making me laugh are not all that important. I find time to click through pages and think, I’m bored.

Well no more there is not point to that. I should blog things that are important to me and inspire me onward.

I am sick of being on this roundabout, stuck on loop going from inspired to depressed and back around again.

I can change my life for the better and only I can do that. I can find strength and happiness even in the darkest of places and times. That is part of being who I am, it’s about time I was me.

I am making an effort today to get back on track. Not much else I can do really. I’ve been doing as I normally do, relisting my priorities, working out what is important to me.

The Hermit

Take some me time, read, learn, create. Find your soul and your spirit. You know where to find the answers you are seeking.

The Magician

Magic lies in you and all that you do. It is time to come to terms with this and be all that you can be. The magic within you needs to be used, to be nurtured and in time it will grow and you will become the truly powerful influence for good in the world that you are so desperate to be.

Justice

You have been tried and your justice has been dealt. It is time to move forward now. You have judged yourself, you have punished yourself, now is the time to forgive yourself.

Seven of Pentacles

Rest, you do not need to be on the go in every moment of your life, take time to relax, rest, sleep. In sleep you will heal and recharge.

Well the cards are telling me what my soul already was.

One thing I think to know is that I need to bring more positive into my life. Need to break with things that just cause me distress. I don’t know just how to do this in some areas of my life but I am happy to say I am at least thinking about it.

Time to clear the air and get moving again.

Today has been a much better day. First off I am excited that the people who saw through the house are coming back for a second look tomorrow. Promising. I told myself a little over two weeks ago that in three weeks we would have an unconditional offer on the house. I am sticking with my guns on this one. We have the power to influence the world through the power of belief.

OMG how fitting. A new song just started and the first words were “I Believe” Thank you Jared Leto for that (and the rest of 30 Seconds to Mars)(If you haven’t heard This Is War their new album, please do, it is very inspiring. I am in love with the album and have listened to it I don’t know how many time since I got it for Christmas.)

Planning to do some writing this weekend, Hubs is locked and loaded for Xboxing with friends in Auckland, hopefully they play tonight and Saturday. So while he goes hunting zombies or what ever it is in Borderlands, I shall enter my own world and take on the mantle of Fae, Vampire, Human and all things in between for my own adventures. I have to keep focused. Within the story is a television show, and this television show has now exploded into its own in my imagination and plans to come out either as said television show or short stories, and a perfect starting point for the Elven Lord and I to collaborate together on a writing project. (We have a couple of concepts waiting for us to find the time and insanity to create together)

I am really excited about this book. It combines so many ideas I’ve had wanting to be written since I was maybe Fourteen when I first started trying my hand at the novel. As Stephen King says (not in these words) sometimes two different ideas come together and the real story is born. So I truly believe that this could be the one for me, my first awesome novel and the start of my career as author-writer-bard.

I’ve had a couple of new ideas for children’s stories, so those have been jotted down and filed away ready to come alive at some point when I’m not working on COTI.

Okay time to do the Daily Reading for today. I didn’t do one yesterday I was too caught up in being bored and grumpy on the couch watching television shows I don’t like, or perhaps liked twenty years ago when they were first on.

I am going to be having a total overhaul at some stage this week or the next with TrAff as I created pages and a home page with the launch of my new endeavours. I am hoping that it answers the need in someone. The overhaul won’t happen overnight but it will happen (just like full volume hair). Ten years ago I was quite the little website creator, but alas technology is a fickle lover and she has left me far behind in this case. With some help from the Elven Lord (aka Hubby) I hope to be able achieve something that looks as good as I want while still being functional and not overwhelming.

So I tried to do the daily reading this morning while Kaeden was up. Not the best idea. He was in one of those moods where he doesn’t really need me to play with him. He just wants to know that he has my complete and undivided attention. So we gave up on that idea. I then tried again when he was in bed. Still nothing. Well I picked cards and I wrote but it was drivel and just didn’t feel right or flow in anyway. It was forced and not what I was meant to be writing. I tried channel surfing for a bit to shut my mind off for a bit and came across a Gavin Rossdale song. It wasn’t inspiring or anything in itself but it allowed my mind to still and my body to relax and as that lovely shiver of energy (or oxytocin) ran through my body a poem formed. It was one of the rambling, rhyming, lyrical variety. No punctuation just many lines of words that run off on their own little story and eventually come home. I don’t think I’ve ever posted on of these poems. I’m not sure if they can be read or have to be heard or have to be written in a spiral around a giant poster with a beautiful image in the centre. Once the poem had burst forth onto the paper I picked up the Celtic Dragon cards again and lo and behold it worked. The message to my mind flowed and worked and I feel good again about it.

I had a mild panic that I really couldn’t do it, I couldn’t read the cards more often than a few times at random intervals as they called to me. But it seems I just have to find that quietness of the soul, the peace of creation and let myself do it. And if that doesn’t work take a break, have a kitkat and come back again.

I’ve been thinking alot this morning about choosing my mood, that all my complaints are of my own choosing. That in fact I make myself miserable more than not. I also decided that some people simply use twitter to make others as depressed as they are. If we all made the effort to be happy it would be contagious I’m sure.

I’ve also been thinking about the real me and how I don’t always let her out. I am a mystical, spiritual, creative, crazy and wonderful person and I shouldn’t be so scared that people won’t like it. Cause the fact of the matter is that all the people that matter do like it, and lots that don’t matter like it. And if some people that are just sometimes sort of friends don’t well that is fine and we don’t have to become bosom buddies.

I had a work out this morning; well most of one, Kaeden wasn’t very happy at the concept of me on the floor and not being a jungle gym for him. But I haven’t done it in ages. I haven’t been on I AM in ages and written stuff down. In my shame I have been keeping away, from my own bloody website! Why am I ashamed? I preach that we shouldn’t be, that we should just try again. I should just follow my own advice. But I don’t, stupid girl that I am at times.

Okay that’s enough mental overflow for the moment.

We did lots of walking around some of the streets of Wellington in the afternoon before returning to the hotel to get ready for the Town Hall talk with Neil Gaiman. Neil raised himself from the demi-god status of a favoured writer to a fully fledged god of Storytelling in my personal pantheon . He was interesting, witty, inspiring and a string of equally expressive and impressive words. If you get the chance to hear him speak and/or to hear him read his own work TAKE IT! You will not be disappointed. He gave the best advice for would be writers like myself. WRITE and then use any means necessary to get published. Although I think I prefer his first advice, kill a goat and then stand at your door at midnight, there will come three knocks don’t answer it, then there will be five knocks, answer it, Stephen King, JK Rowling and I will be standing there. (Approx words but you get the very amusing idea). Hell I’d do that just to get to meet the three of them for a chat. Let alone if it would get me through my writing and editing and get me published. The other advice he gave was finish! This is a bad habit of mine to start all guns blazing and then to start something else guns blazing. But I am trying my hardest to stick with Children of the Immortals. So now whenever I start to get distracted I will just have to have Neil on standby in my head yelling FINISH!

Hearing Neil read his own work was an AWEsome experience. His never before read poem to St Oran rolled lyrically from his tongue and through my imagination. He finished with an excerpt from American Gods, which just happened to be one of my favourite parts of the book, the breathless I believe in all this Mr Shadow speech. (For those there I do now wonder if he is expecting this to become a play and he put this in knowing there was a major costume change underway). I do wish I had been able to get a book signed by him but I was about to fall over from starvation and blisters (note to self check that that only pair of shoes you take still fit after not having worn them since before being pregnant). It was also nice to hear that I wasn’t the only Christian raised child to be completely oblivious to the fact that the Narnia tales were “Christian books” though I have to agree with Neil that they aren’t very good Christian books, given the complete lack of Dryads, fauns, giants, weverwolves and good, strong female characters in the bible. To conclude (and stop waffling) if they make an audio version of this talk I’m getting it to entertain and inspire once again.

Sunday was the Pompeii exhibit at Te Papa. It was fascinating. I have an affinity for ancient Rome and Greece, and this truly fed the affinity. There was a 3D animated 7 minute film of the last day of Pompeii which was wow. The flying embers had me blinking to keep them out of my eyes. Seeing the body castes was emotional and moving. To imagine the final moments of these people is truly terrifying and gives one a renewed respect for the awesome power that Mother Nature can unleash on us. I would love to see more of Pompeii and what has been saved and discovered. One day perhaps when I am on a world tour book signing for my latest best seller I will take the time to go and feed my curiosity. The only thing lacking in the exhibition in my humble opinion was in the are dedicated to the religion and personal gods of the house. Not once was there any mention to Doctor Donna, just not good enough really.

The way home was filled with conversation and planning. As most know we are selling our piece of paradise to move closer to family and Alyn’s work before we have the next Faeling. (No one in the family really wants it to happen, the property sale I mean not the next mini me; I think the Father In Law unit is still trying to find ways we can keep it. Other than Lotto I don’t see it happening.) So yes life is in upheaval with that, caught in stasis unsure of what will happen when and how it will all work out. But it has lead to some interesting side looks at aspects of the lifestyle. Alyn has suggested I professionalise my readings. As some of you may or may not know I do these fairly unique readings with my tarot cards, the Celtic Dragon pack by DJ Conway. No card means one thing, it is simply what I get when I look at it. The same card can have fifty million different messages at any given moment. So I do these readings, mainly for myself currently but often for friends and family, they aren’t exactly tarot readings as I have come to know them on the whole, these won’t tell you a new job will be here on Thursday or yes the bloke at the supermarket will propose in 3-6 months. My readings are more little messages from the universe to think or inspire. Alyn (now confirmed by Teej) thinks my readings are unique and have the ability to be wanted by the endless world out there. So now I am busy typing up sample readings and this week will be a flurry of activity to try and put together a cogent concept and put it into action. It might lead to some occasional pocket money or it could run me off my feet. But either way you never know without doing. So keep your eyes peeled for things to come!

But more important that the goal is what am I actually going to do to achieve it. I have broken my addiction to SPP, and my Sookie MS page. I am breaking my twitter addiction tho it does keep drawing me back in. But like it did. I’ve spent very little time on it lately. So that is a start but what I need to do is actually put together a plan on how I am going to get my writing to the point I want it to be.

I need to work out what writing I am moving to the head of the pile to work on, how much time I want to put in to it, when I can put time into it, what I want to achieve in that time. It is unrealistic to say I want to put 8 hours a day to my writing and write a minimum of 5000 words a day. I have a life that needs my attention. I have a son that I want to have the benefits of being at home with a loving mother who wants to teach him so he doesn’t show up at school on the first day unsure which way up a book should go. And if mummy is sitting on her computer all day it doesn’t happen, no matter how “important” what I am doing is.

So today I am going to work on my writing when I can but I am also going to try and work out just how I can achieve my writing goal. It’s not going to be easy. I look at other authors like Stephen King and what sacrifices he made in the beginning to his craft and maybe it is time for me to make some of those sacrifices (and not write until 4am in the morning as much as I would love to but a sleeping on the couch mummy is not going to be any good for Kaeden nor for the electronics and house if he has free reign lol)

If I can find my Go MAD thinking book or e-book I will try and format my goal that way but otherwise I’ll just use my common sense.

Wold – Guardian – YOU ARE SAFE and protected at all times

Salmon – Determination – You know where you are going and YOU WILL GET THERE

Well yesterday was a good day in some ways, like cleaning and sorting, but bad in others, ie exercise. But I’m not going to beat myself up about it I simply get back to it today. I didn’t sleep much from about 3am onward. Mixture of the muggy night, potential dehydration but needing to pee, and the HRV trying to cool the house and me being in a cold draft but it doing nothing for the cooling of the house. When I finally dreamed I had a strange dream. There were a few world of existence and one was totally run by this drug lord. We came from another world and had to try and escape. It got weird and complicated at that point and is now a bit hazy but I do remember trying to explain to the bad guys that the man they had captured was Hatter (ala Andrew Lee Potts) and he was powerful in his world and that I would help move their shipment in the other world if they wouldn’t kill us.

So today I need to get the work out and shower in before 10.30 and hope the teacup goes to sleep when I put him down cause we have a baby group playdate/lunch to go to. Which given his current I’m going to do every naughty and dangerous thing I can this morning and be a total grump when I get told no or taken away, is going to make for a very fun day. But it will be good to see people.

I think my tiredness is showing I’ve said basically nothing about the cards. I think perhaps I need to meditate. The Wolf on the cards is staring at me in that kind of way. Okay so I need to meditate and then work out and shower, then get K up and ready and then go to the supermarket and get something to share.

If I don’t fall asleep on the keyboard right now J

Raven – Magic – OWN your power

Snake – Healing – You are a HEALER

Swan – Grace – APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY inside and all around you

So these seem pretty straight forward and what I need to hear today. I do need to honour my soul’s purpose more. I know I have all these things I want to achieve, maybe that I am meant to achieve and I haven’t achieved most of them as yet. I have a tendency to get distracted by the fun stuff in the world and in life, things that often don’t matter and definitely don’t help me get ahead in life. Like tweeting the golden globes yesterday, while obviously fun and all it didn’t help my writing get finished. It didn’t help me meditate and it didn’t help me teach the faeling child anything (except stop touching the computer but then again he didn’t seem to want to learn that)

I am a healer and the first thing I need to heal is myself. And I am working on it but I know I can work harder. I have good days and bad days. I need to have more good days, days where I like myself just that little bit more. Where I can see the beauty that is inside me, the beauty my friends and family obviously see and love. Sometimes it is hard to do. Especially at those times of the month when I am pre period so retaining that extra little chubbiness. (I nearly wrote chubby but decided that had far too many dodgy comments and I am not Ricky Gervais and can’t get away with dodgy erectile jokes)

I am enjoying working on Children of the Immortals and I am starting to see the themes in there. The messages and teachings I want to get out into the world. I think that has been my problem in the past the themes just haven’t been there or have been too hidden or too obvious. It is a fine balance and I think for once maybe I am going to get it right. I also need to realise that I am not writing this book for the prudes and unadvanced people who are going to freak out or get weird about some of the concepts I am conveying. They are not evolved yet enough to grasp it, well maybe next life people you can pick up my best selling writing and get something deep and meaningful from it. Or at least enjoy it as a good read.

I should be used to people not quite understanding me, I think and believe outside the box and that is cool and wonderful, I just need to stop caring what everyone else thinks and trying to be something I am not to fit in. It’s not me and if others don’t appreciate who I am truly am then I don’t really need them in my life anyway. I guess it’s the Leo in me that want to be loved by all and adored by many. But the Leo in me should also want them to adore me for me and not as someone else. So today’s mission be myself totally everywhere I go and communicate. Own my uniqueness, my power. Stand tall and shake my feathers for everyone to see. I hate pretending and editing myself to be more user friendly.

As Mika says Love Love ME!

Pelican – Forgiveness – LET GO of your judgements

Koala – Empathy – Speak less and LISTEN MORE

So those ones are pretty self explanatory. Especially the Pelican. I think that is a person one for once. Often forgiveness is for those others in your life but I think it’s time to let go of self judgements. Body judgements, decision, judgements and all the life time of “stuff” that you are holding onto that is keeping you locked in negative cycles, self hating and loathing. The real step to being happy with your body is being happy with you, all the way through every level. Stop judging yourself and holding onto every little mistake you have made or time you have been involved in something you now regret. Okay so we need to learn from all our experiences but that does mean we need to cling to all the negative packaging that surrounds that lesson. We can’t grow and evolves and become the people we want to be if we are hunched over from the weight of all the crap on our back that we are not letting go of.

We are always going through changes and at the moment they are pretty big ones as we overhaul so many aspects of our lifestyle and ourselves. It isn’t easy and we do need to adapt and take time to realise that we need to adapt. It isn’t just going to happen (okay well sometimes it does) but really big changes do take effort to adapt to or eventually we will freak out and rebel against the changes thinking our life is no longer our control or spiralling away from us. Perhaps we all need to take time to reflect on that, meditate. Meditation doesn’t have to be about travelling to the spirit world or anything like that, it needs to be quiet time when its just you and the you inside your head. Take time to contemplate and explore life as it is going and make sure you are at peace with what is happening. There is no point in continuing on if we are not at peace with what we are doing.

Speak less, that is a rich one for me, I am constantly speaking and communicating. But I think this is to let me listen to well to me. Not just change in head first. I am often about action and not thought. I need to listen to me. To my instincts especially. We are conditioned to ignore instinct for mind. Our instincts are powerful things created and honed by all our experiences and all the wisdoms we have inherited. Use them, the more you use them, the more you trust them, the stronger and more on to it they will become. How many times have I ignored my initial gut reaction about someone and it has lead me to heartache or headache. Time to start listening up to me (that was directed at me, obviously if you are reading this you are already listening to me lol)

Not bad for 7.15am on a moody rain threatening day. I wonder if I can break my connection with the weather, so often I fall to depression that comes with the grey heavy clouds.  Speaking of depression check this article out for an interesting take on why so many woman in the western world suffer some form of depression or psychological condition. http://iamhappy.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=links&action=display&thread=35

Okay time for me to finish my green tea and get busy so I can find that time to meditate with myself.

Giraffe – Foresight – YOU ARE ABLE TO SEE what is in store for the future

Monkey – Ingenuity – The situation calls for ADAPTABILITY and INNOVATION

So these ones are so straight forward to interpret in some ways so I will just start typing and see what comes from their inspiration.

The giraffe one makes me think about the power of visualisation. Paul McKenna is very big on the power of positive visualisation. And it is something I am trying to do. I am trying to visualise myself healthy and happy, able to leap tall buildings…wait back up LOL. Able to walk up steep hills with no hint of breathlessness. I want to go to Cathedral Cove again (That is the beach in Prince Caspian that the kids find themselves on when they poof back to Narnia). It is one of the most favourite beaches of Al and his friends. We don’t go often cause I am so embarrassed at how difficult I find the climb back up. It’s horrible being that way. I am visualising myself being able to go down, have a good day swimming and still have the energy to walk back up and not look like a total unfit muppet. I am visualising myself being able to fit my very cool clothes again, my Victoria secret bikini, my cool gypsy tops. To belly dance in a proper outfit without being ashamed of my flab doing continuing shimmies. I know I can achieve this one day at a time.

I realise now after years of attempts (back when I had very little to lose really) that fads and instant fixes either don’t work or are not sustainable. It’s all good cutting out carbohydrates but the day you go back to them again *insert balloon effect here* It’s not worth it. I’d rather take one day at a time and make it count. Every little effort is a step towards making yourself fitter and healthier. If five minutes is all I can muster on day one of trying a new exercise routine then so be it. Tomorrow I will try for six minutes and then seven minutes. Each day I get closer to my goal and I can celebrate my success.

My other big thing is to not deny myself something if I want it, but to compensate. Spend two days eating super super healthy so on day three I can have that smaller portion size banana split I want. I know already that I have the kind of personality if you deny me something I just want it all the more. I am only human, not some god with the will power of the ages. I know I want things that aren’t the healthiest for me, and life is not worth living if you can’t have enjoyment. So I know I can do things to make moderation okay. I can exercise and burn those extra calories, I can eat healthier in other areas and have smaller portion sizes. (Big tip here, use a smaller plate then your mind still sees a full plate….it does work), and I can eat slower and give my stomach a chance to realise it is full. I want to be healthy and happy not healthy and miserable. I know I will have junk food, fast food, decadent over the top goodness, from time to time. It’s not a problem, it is a reality and I embrace that fact and I accommodate. I know me and I’m not going to kid myself. Moderation moderation moderation.

So that is me thinking outside the box, thinking realistically. I can do this, one day at a time, keeping positive, and making the effort. And if I can then I know you can too!