Dolphin – Playfulness- Take time to Play

Antelope – Decisiveness – MAKE A DECISION and take appropriate action

Wolf – Guardian – YOU ARE SAFE and protected at all times

So life is doing that fun thing where it spirals out of your control and you feel totally helpless. I don’t want to go into details but life decisions and money are all conspiring to change the long term game plan.

I don’t like not feeling in control of my life because of things like a global economy breakdown, things I cannot in any way or shape control or bend to my almighty will. It blows the big one. Things that greedy men in power do to control the world and bend us over and give us one whether we like it or not.

But there are things in my life I can control and perhaps I am realising this morning I need to concentrate on them. Like my own body, what I eat, how much I exercise, how much I write and read. Things I am not really doing. Can I really complain about the big picture being out of my control when I won’t even make the effort to control the little picture? I’ve become too involved in internet life. I seem to go from one obsession to the next with it, from SPP to myspace to facebook to twitter. Granted it is fun, I am making friends and in the role playing being creative but is it really what I need to be doing to head my life in the right direction.

I keep lamenting everytime I look in the mirror the baby weight that is still hiding my real figure. The one I see in my head, the one I feel in my heart. Not a stick thin waif or anything, the curvy toned body of a dancer, of a minx (giggle). The way I know I want to look. I complain and complain and then have another banana split for dessert and look at my exercycle thinking “You know I should ride that tonight while we watch a movie.” And then I don’t. It is all my own fault. I love doing Zumba and Carman Electra Fit to Strip. I love to practice my dancing. So why the hell don’t I do it more. Because I let myself get pulled into the easy stuff, the fun stuff. I am my own self destructive obsession.

My goal this year is to get my writing to the point where I can approach an agent and say “Look I have these three separate novel series, I have these short stories, I have these children books and these poems. I have 672 other ideas waiting to be written. I am a cash cow for you if you will get the right publishing contract. I can make us both a shit load of money.” But I can’t do that while they sit half written, half edited, half created. And so far this year I have written twice. In 11 days I have created hardly anything. It is crap and I have very little excuse. I could have used free time for writing rather than tweeting, rather than watching nothing on television.

Sure I need time to play and keep my sanity but I don’t need as much time as I have been taking in the past.

Today hubs went back to work. So today starts my new routine, my new lifestyle. I can control these parts of my life. I can achieve what I want to achieve in these areas and perhaps the macrocosm will reflect the micro and I can gain control on the other parts of my life or at least gain the understanding that I do not need to control these things in my life. That not everything is controllable just the things I can. I can control things and I need to. And until I learn to control the small aspects of my life the easily controllable ones I will control nothing else.

The clock is ticking, my life is not infinite, I am thirty this year and I have no achieved some of the things that I had planned (Though I have two of the most important, a loving marriage and a wonderful child). So time to pull finger and get to it.

Today I start to find my own control.

In the caress of the voice and the dance of the music we are drawn out of ourselves to become, to transform, for this is war and there can be no victory without our sacrifice.

Calling and stirring

Impassioned… empowered

To Act

To Achieve

To Transform

I am frenzied and at peace.

Excited for the coming dawn

For chance

For the choice

To fight and rejoice

I feel a hand in my own and turn to see Valdinor, my elfin seeming guide. “We are here to support you.” He says simply and squeezes my hand. The sun rises. The light envelops me with a fierce heat. I feel as if I am floating within a bubble of fire and light. The light seems to flow into me and then explode out my pores, my mouth, my eyes. I know I am hanging in the air like a burning crucifixion. All the bad in my body is being burned away. I am transitioning. The light in my eyes focuses and I see the path I should be walking on. I can see on either side the path I have been taking and the path I might take but I know the one before me is the one I should be walking. There is motion around me but I cannot see anything but the paths before me.

The heat begins to ease and I am lowered to the ground once more. The animals have formed a cirle around me. There are many. I have much to learn, much support to be given and many many friends who will help me on my way if I would put use them.

Horse

Platypus

Bengal Tiger

Wolf

Dog

Robin

Hawk

Jackal

Unicorn

Dragon

Ocelot

Lioness

Bat

Tortoise

Brown bear

Snake

Rhinoceros Beetle

A woman stands among the animals. She has blonde hair and a long white dress. The sun is still shining from her. I know without asking that if I were to ask her who she is she would reply “I am you and all that you can be, I am the mother gone before and the maiden yet to come, I am the wisdom of the ancient flowing in your veins, I am knowledge and peace, I am calm and surrender.”

She smiles and I feel peace inside. I know she will aid me if I call on her

A badger steps forward from the group. I had not noticed her before. She hands me a page and I read

‘Much in your life has fallen to the back or fallen away completely. You have been lost in things that do not move you forward as you must. Other things while being more irrelevant have thankfully given you a sense of power and intrigue. But now you must find the focus you once had. You must find the path once more. It is time to focus, a time for a new beginning. A time to become.

*Read all that you can

*Learn all that you wish

*Meditate daily

*Move your body freely to define it

*Eat what nature gives you and not only what man processes. You will feel better with a body cleansed

*Drink the flowing water, the more you drink the more pure you will feel

*Love

*Bring the child up as the child you wish him to be, teach him and he will learn

Daughter of the spirit, mother of the future, stop hiding in things you know to be meaningless. Stop denying you are who you are in the crutches of what other people may expect. Stop hiding. Why hide who you are and what you believe because of the frailty of others. Any who do not accept are not truly worthy. You are a bright shining light, do not be dimmed, do not shy away. Burn bright and burn well. Bring light to those you love and be a glimmer for those lost without their light.’

I move to give the piece of parchment back to the badger but she motions it is mine to keep. I know that I need to read it daily. I know I need to focus myself.

The woman in the white dress comes to stand at my left side. Valdinor still stands patiently at my right. They both place an arm around me and I am comforted and feel strong. I can feel my real world body healing itself. Renewing its energy. I know I can be who I want to be. I know I am no addict unable to see the things that are bad for me, the things that are wrong. I know my time of sickness is over, the transition complete. I am healed. I am whole. I am focused. I am ready

I know there is a lot of talk as to the validity of the books, if Anastasia truly exists. But I think that is somewhat beside the point. It is the wisdoms and truths discussed that should be of the most importance.

I find the books to be quite inspirational. And while I do not agree with every doctrine set forth, I believe that is still my choice.

I’m over three quarters of the way through it and I feel really good. I have been sitting in the lounge in the warm sunshine while Kaeden slept reading. I feel energised and filled through to the core with the warm glow of the sunshine and the words I have read. I have danced. I have written. I have thought. This is the way I want more of my days to be. I got up, checked my emails and then turned off my computer. I played with Kaeden and read when he did not want my attention. Then while he slept I read some more and as I said, danced, wrote, thought. And most of all I loved. I felt love for myself, I explored my love for others and for nature. If only I could remember how this feels and do it more often rather than being distracted by meaningless quizzes on facebook and earning non-existent coins on a game or talking to people who depress me, don’t understand me and really achieve nothing for my life, those “online friends” who really haven’t noticed that I am not online at the moment.

I know I am weak willed when it comes to most things of this technocratic world. I know I am lazy…finding it easier to grab a pie out of the freezer rather than heading outside to harvest a salad for my lunch. (Although I admit that is somewhat harder to do over winter). I choose to forget how good I feel when I do the things to make me feel good. I choose to forget how ill I felt after eating half a packet of chips. I need to take this warm feeling inside me now and remember it, cultivate it and strive to achieve it. I feel so happy and so alive right now doing the things I love to do. Why don’t I do them more.

My “instruction” to anyone who reads this today or any of the hundreds of tomorrows is to do something that fills you with light and warmth and do it. Be it reading, writing, taking a photo or hugging your child. Do it! And then keep doing it and keep finding the light and keep being you filled with light and warmth and love.

Lynx – Discernment – LOOK BEYOND immediate appearance

Raven – Magic – OWN your power

Butterfly – Transformation – Get ready for a BIG BREAKTHROUGH

Now my big thing I’ve been thinking about the last few days is my appearance and fitness level. I have been doing more dancing and I feel great from it. It not only gives me exercise but it boosts my self esteem and makes me feel creative and dear I say it…sexy…

I love to dance, I don’t know why I don’t do it more. I should because I love it sooooo much. I have thought about starting my own classes. Goddess Within. Using all the different styles of dance I have learned over the years and just my intuitive movement. It would be about helping other woman get fit, have fun and be comfortable in their own body and their own movement. So many are embarressed to even sway to the music for fear of what others would think watching them. And I have become the same in many ways. I used to have no problem having a bit of a boogie in front of other people but now a days I would be too embarressed because of the way I look. So I guess that means before I can help any other person find their Goddess Within I need to find my own. So I need to actually make the effort and dance my way to health and happiness.

I am a dancer I know deep in my heart that is one of my gifts, one of the things I am truly good at. I have to accept that and own it. I need to transform myself before I can help anyone else be transformed.

So there we go..the push I need to get active and dance for real.

Timed that well, now its time for K to have a nap

I’ve spent weeks crapping around playing Superpoke Pets, chatting and playing with Kaeden. Not achieving anything…other than mothering which is such a fulfilling achievement. But that ends today. Today I am going to rise to the occasion and achieve things.

I had a chat with a friend this morning and realising how I differed from him made me realise who I am. I am not him I am not anybody else I am me. And I need to be me and achieve what I want to achieve and do what I want to do. I have these plans and these dreams and I am never going to get them clicking pets.

I am making a new affirmation today to be me again. To explore myself (that sounds quite rude lol) as a person, as a spirit. Today I celebrate the me that is me, Sunday I will celebrate the me that is mother.

I am me hear me rawr!