Raven – Magic – OWN your power

Snake – Healing – You are a HEALER

Swan – Grace – APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY inside and all around you

So these seem pretty straight forward and what I need to hear today. I do need to honour my soul’s purpose more. I know I have all these things I want to achieve, maybe that I am meant to achieve and I haven’t achieved most of them as yet. I have a tendency to get distracted by the fun stuff in the world and in life, things that often don’t matter and definitely don’t help me get ahead in life. Like tweeting the golden globes yesterday, while obviously fun and all it didn’t help my writing get finished. It didn’t help me meditate and it didn’t help me teach the faeling child anything (except stop touching the computer but then again he didn’t seem to want to learn that)

I am a healer and the first thing I need to heal is myself. And I am working on it but I know I can work harder. I have good days and bad days. I need to have more good days, days where I like myself just that little bit more. Where I can see the beauty that is inside me, the beauty my friends and family obviously see and love. Sometimes it is hard to do. Especially at those times of the month when I am pre period so retaining that extra little chubbiness. (I nearly wrote chubby but decided that had far too many dodgy comments and I am not Ricky Gervais and can’t get away with dodgy erectile jokes)

I am enjoying working on Children of the Immortals and I am starting to see the themes in there. The messages and teachings I want to get out into the world. I think that has been my problem in the past the themes just haven’t been there or have been too hidden or too obvious. It is a fine balance and I think for once maybe I am going to get it right. I also need to realise that I am not writing this book for the prudes and unadvanced people who are going to freak out or get weird about some of the concepts I am conveying. They are not evolved yet enough to grasp it, well maybe next life people you can pick up my best selling writing and get something deep and meaningful from it. Or at least enjoy it as a good read.

I should be used to people not quite understanding me, I think and believe outside the box and that is cool and wonderful, I just need to stop caring what everyone else thinks and trying to be something I am not to fit in. It’s not me and if others don’t appreciate who I am truly am then I don’t really need them in my life anyway. I guess it’s the Leo in me that want to be loved by all and adored by many. But the Leo in me should also want them to adore me for me and not as someone else. So today’s mission be myself totally everywhere I go and communicate. Own my uniqueness, my power. Stand tall and shake my feathers for everyone to see. I hate pretending and editing myself to be more user friendly.

As Mika says Love Love ME!

Giraffe – Foresight – YOU ARE ABLE TO SEE what is in store for the future

Monkey – Ingenuity – The situation calls for ADAPTABILITY and INNOVATION

So these ones are so straight forward to interpret in some ways so I will just start typing and see what comes from their inspiration.

The giraffe one makes me think about the power of visualisation. Paul McKenna is very big on the power of positive visualisation. And it is something I am trying to do. I am trying to visualise myself healthy and happy, able to leap tall buildings…wait back up LOL. Able to walk up steep hills with no hint of breathlessness. I want to go to Cathedral Cove again (That is the beach in Prince Caspian that the kids find themselves on when they poof back to Narnia). It is one of the most favourite beaches of Al and his friends. We don’t go often cause I am so embarrassed at how difficult I find the climb back up. It’s horrible being that way. I am visualising myself being able to go down, have a good day swimming and still have the energy to walk back up and not look like a total unfit muppet. I am visualising myself being able to fit my very cool clothes again, my Victoria secret bikini, my cool gypsy tops. To belly dance in a proper outfit without being ashamed of my flab doing continuing shimmies. I know I can achieve this one day at a time.

I realise now after years of attempts (back when I had very little to lose really) that fads and instant fixes either don’t work or are not sustainable. It’s all good cutting out carbohydrates but the day you go back to them again *insert balloon effect here* It’s not worth it. I’d rather take one day at a time and make it count. Every little effort is a step towards making yourself fitter and healthier. If five minutes is all I can muster on day one of trying a new exercise routine then so be it. Tomorrow I will try for six minutes and then seven minutes. Each day I get closer to my goal and I can celebrate my success.

My other big thing is to not deny myself something if I want it, but to compensate. Spend two days eating super super healthy so on day three I can have that smaller portion size banana split I want. I know already that I have the kind of personality if you deny me something I just want it all the more. I am only human, not some god with the will power of the ages. I know I want things that aren’t the healthiest for me, and life is not worth living if you can’t have enjoyment. So I know I can do things to make moderation okay. I can exercise and burn those extra calories, I can eat healthier in other areas and have smaller portion sizes. (Big tip here, use a smaller plate then your mind still sees a full plate….it does work), and I can eat slower and give my stomach a chance to realise it is full. I want to be healthy and happy not healthy and miserable. I know I will have junk food, fast food, decadent over the top goodness, from time to time. It’s not a problem, it is a reality and I embrace that fact and I accommodate. I know me and I’m not going to kid myself. Moderation moderation moderation.

So that is me thinking outside the box, thinking realistically. I can do this, one day at a time, keeping positive, and making the effort. And if I can then I know you can too!

Dolphin – Playfulness- Take time to Play

Antelope – Decisiveness – MAKE A DECISION and take appropriate action

Wolf – Guardian – YOU ARE SAFE and protected at all times

So life is doing that fun thing where it spirals out of your control and you feel totally helpless. I don’t want to go into details but life decisions and money are all conspiring to change the long term game plan.

I don’t like not feeling in control of my life because of things like a global economy breakdown, things I cannot in any way or shape control or bend to my almighty will. It blows the big one. Things that greedy men in power do to control the world and bend us over and give us one whether we like it or not.

But there are things in my life I can control and perhaps I am realising this morning I need to concentrate on them. Like my own body, what I eat, how much I exercise, how much I write and read. Things I am not really doing. Can I really complain about the big picture being out of my control when I won’t even make the effort to control the little picture? I’ve become too involved in internet life. I seem to go from one obsession to the next with it, from SPP to myspace to facebook to twitter. Granted it is fun, I am making friends and in the role playing being creative but is it really what I need to be doing to head my life in the right direction.

I keep lamenting everytime I look in the mirror the baby weight that is still hiding my real figure. The one I see in my head, the one I feel in my heart. Not a stick thin waif or anything, the curvy toned body of a dancer, of a minx (giggle). The way I know I want to look. I complain and complain and then have another banana split for dessert and look at my exercycle thinking “You know I should ride that tonight while we watch a movie.” And then I don’t. It is all my own fault. I love doing Zumba and Carman Electra Fit to Strip. I love to practice my dancing. So why the hell don’t I do it more. Because I let myself get pulled into the easy stuff, the fun stuff. I am my own self destructive obsession.

My goal this year is to get my writing to the point where I can approach an agent and say “Look I have these three separate novel series, I have these short stories, I have these children books and these poems. I have 672 other ideas waiting to be written. I am a cash cow for you if you will get the right publishing contract. I can make us both a shit load of money.” But I can’t do that while they sit half written, half edited, half created. And so far this year I have written twice. In 11 days I have created hardly anything. It is crap and I have very little excuse. I could have used free time for writing rather than tweeting, rather than watching nothing on television.

Sure I need time to play and keep my sanity but I don’t need as much time as I have been taking in the past.

Today hubs went back to work. So today starts my new routine, my new lifestyle. I can control these parts of my life. I can achieve what I want to achieve in these areas and perhaps the macrocosm will reflect the micro and I can gain control on the other parts of my life or at least gain the understanding that I do not need to control these things in my life. That not everything is controllable just the things I can. I can control things and I need to. And until I learn to control the small aspects of my life the easily controllable ones I will control nothing else.

The clock is ticking, my life is not infinite, I am thirty this year and I have no achieved some of the things that I had planned (Though I have two of the most important, a loving marriage and a wonderful child). So time to pull finger and get to it.

Today I start to find my own control.

I feel a hand in my own and turn to see Valdinor, my elfin seeming guide. “We are here to support you.” He says simply and squeezes my hand. The sun rises. The light envelops me with a fierce heat. I feel as if I am floating within a bubble of fire and light. The light seems to flow into me and then explode out my pores, my mouth, my eyes. I know I am hanging in the air like a burning crucifixion. All the bad in my body is being burned away. I am transitioning. The light in my eyes focuses and I see the path I should be walking on. I can see on either side the path I have been taking and the path I might take but I know the one before me is the one I should be walking. There is motion around me but I cannot see anything but the paths before me.

The heat begins to ease and I am lowered to the ground once more. The animals have formed a cirle around me. There are many. I have much to learn, much support to be given and many many friends who will help me on my way if I would put use them.

Horse

Platypus

Bengal Tiger

Wolf

Dog

Robin

Hawk

Jackal

Unicorn

Dragon

Ocelot

Lioness

Bat

Tortoise

Brown bear

Snake

Rhinoceros Beetle

A woman stands among the animals. She has blonde hair and a long white dress. The sun is still shining from her. I know without asking that if I were to ask her who she is she would reply “I am you and all that you can be, I am the mother gone before and the maiden yet to come, I am the wisdom of the ancient flowing in your veins, I am knowledge and peace, I am calm and surrender.”

She smiles and I feel peace inside. I know she will aid me if I call on her

A badger steps forward from the group. I had not noticed her before. She hands me a page and I read

‘Much in your life has fallen to the back or fallen away completely. You have been lost in things that do not move you forward as you must. Other things while being more irrelevant have thankfully given you a sense of power and intrigue. But now you must find the focus you once had. You must find the path once more. It is time to focus, a time for a new beginning. A time to become.

*Read all that you can

*Learn all that you wish

*Meditate daily

*Move your body freely to define it

*Eat what nature gives you and not only what man processes. You will feel better with a body cleansed

*Drink the flowing water, the more you drink the more pure you will feel

*Love

*Bring the child up as the child you wish him to be, teach him and he will learn

Daughter of the spirit, mother of the future, stop hiding in things you know to be meaningless. Stop denying you are who you are in the crutches of what other people may expect. Stop hiding. Why hide who you are and what you believe because of the frailty of others. Any who do not accept are not truly worthy. You are a bright shining light, do not be dimmed, do not shy away. Burn bright and burn well. Bring light to those you love and be a glimmer for those lost without their light.’

I move to give the piece of parchment back to the badger but she motions it is mine to keep. I know that I need to read it daily. I know I need to focus myself.

The woman in the white dress comes to stand at my left side. Valdinor still stands patiently at my right. They both place an arm around me and I am comforted and feel strong. I can feel my real world body healing itself. Renewing its energy. I know I can be who I want to be. I know I am no addict unable to see the things that are bad for me, the things that are wrong. I know my time of sickness is over, the transition complete. I am healed. I am whole. I am focused. I am ready

Rabbit – Fertility – You Creativity is at a peak
Buffalo – Abundance – You are provided for in all ways
Cougar – Confidence – Be bold and take charge
Lion – Courage – Ask for what you want
Otter – Surrender – Let go of control

I dreamed of an animal I still don’t know what it was but I was leaning towards leopard or cougar so I guess it makes sense that a big cat popped up in my reading.

Last night I was feeling a bit sorry for myself that I had all this time and nothing to do. Totally wrong of course as a writer there is always something to do if I just man up and make an effort. Its like that with most things with me. If I actually get my a into g and do something I can achieve all kinds of things. I’m not sure why I am so wired sometimes to laziness and copping out.

I need to get over that and grow up. Every decision I make is my own and I do not need to let so many “hard-wired” things control my life. I let myself seem that way, nothing else is controlling me just me.

So last night I did some writing, and this morning I did some more. I’ve done some house keeping and made a loaf of bread that is cooking. I can achieve so much. No minute should be wasted. I have no excuses except myself and I hate when people make stupid excuses so I shouldn’t let myself.

I know there is a lot of talk as to the validity of the books, if Anastasia truly exists. But I think that is somewhat beside the point. It is the wisdoms and truths discussed that should be of the most importance.

I find the books to be quite inspirational. And while I do not agree with every doctrine set forth, I believe that is still my choice.

I’m over three quarters of the way through it and I feel really good. I have been sitting in the lounge in the warm sunshine while Kaeden slept reading. I feel energised and filled through to the core with the warm glow of the sunshine and the words I have read. I have danced. I have written. I have thought. This is the way I want more of my days to be. I got up, checked my emails and then turned off my computer. I played with Kaeden and read when he did not want my attention. Then while he slept I read some more and as I said, danced, wrote, thought. And most of all I loved. I felt love for myself, I explored my love for others and for nature. If only I could remember how this feels and do it more often rather than being distracted by meaningless quizzes on facebook and earning non-existent coins on a game or talking to people who depress me, don’t understand me and really achieve nothing for my life, those “online friends” who really haven’t noticed that I am not online at the moment.

I know I am weak willed when it comes to most things of this technocratic world. I know I am lazy…finding it easier to grab a pie out of the freezer rather than heading outside to harvest a salad for my lunch. (Although I admit that is somewhat harder to do over winter). I choose to forget how good I feel when I do the things to make me feel good. I choose to forget how ill I felt after eating half a packet of chips. I need to take this warm feeling inside me now and remember it, cultivate it and strive to achieve it. I feel so happy and so alive right now doing the things I love to do. Why don’t I do them more.

My “instruction” to anyone who reads this today or any of the hundreds of tomorrows is to do something that fills you with light and warmth and do it. Be it reading, writing, taking a photo or hugging your child. Do it! And then keep doing it and keep finding the light and keep being you filled with light and warmth and love.

So this one didn’t immediately spring at me with a lesson or anything so I consulted the book “Animal Spirit Giuds” by Stephen D. Farmer. And it was clearly talking about taking time at night for my creativity and meditation.

Lately in the evenings pretty much all we do once Kaeden is asleep is eat and watch something, go to bed read for a few minutes and go to sleep. I think maybe I need to spend a little less time watching stuff. I am a night person (not quite as much as I was pre K were I would stay up to midnight doing things) and I think I need to take back that a bit. I have had some of my most amazing creative flashes at night (unfortunately many at night lying in bed when I have been too lazy to get up to right them down or even roll over and grab a pen and paper, thinking naively that they would be there in the morning). I need to use my zone time better. I can’t even think the last time I went and enjoyed being outside meditating under the full moon. Even Al has hardly been outside at night to enjoy the stars. Granted at the moment its been days since I’ve even seen the sky its al just grumpity clouds.

So tonight maybe instead of watching Scrubs I might take those few minutes before Lost to meditate or write or just have a more meaningful converstaion. And yes I am still a Lost fan although I am all kinds of confused about it. Hopefully tonights special might clear a few things up.

Okay so today is a good day where I am able to choose my mood, pick my battles. I had a good nights sleep. Kaeden is being good (well good for Kaeden, he has tried to go exploring into forbidden territory a few times lol) and I feel good. So its an easy decision. The trick will be remembering this wisdom and this enlightenment when I am not feeling the same way. When I am tired and grouchy and feel the world is conspiring to make my life a misery. (Cause I am egotistical enough to think the universe has nothing better to do with time that to make me miserable). I need to bring myself to the point when I am miserable that I can remember and can actually choose my mood. It would make my life so much better if I did. Because at the end of the day my grump is only making me more miserable. I should find something to be happy about, or enthused about. Take a walk, meditate, watch Practical Magic, have a hug. Anything that inspires good feelings.
Sometimes we need some help to be able to choose our mood positively. And getting help is not cheating or defeating the purpose.

Today I am choosing my mood. Today I am choosing to feel positive and loved. To feel snuggly in a warm home listening to the rain fall outside. The rain that will help the grotto grow..sorry too much Johnny and the Sprites with Kaeden. Instead of dreading tomorrow being alone here with K, I am enjoying being with A.

So remember don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things!

Really this is a nonsensical rant with no point or meaning but its stuff I had to get out.
I am slowly transforming….and shockingly its movies that are doing it. Rot my brain tv watching. But movies are just a new form of storytelling. Sure you don’t create the pictures in your mind but hey….
I just watched what would be termed a chick flick from my childhood, Pump Up the Volume, with my once teen idolised Christian Slater. It was no oscar winning performance. It was no critic warming wonder. It was a teen movie about being true and talking hard. Say what you mean and mean what you say. And I’m doing that and I will continue to do it and (excuse my not so french) FUCK anyone who doesn’t like it. I don’t care you are no me. I am not scared of you be you fanatical, rigid or powerful. If the men in the black suits (or the white coats if it comes to that) are coming for me then as Christian said SO BE IT!

This is me I love me. My family loves me. My friends love me. Deal with it!