Raven – Magic – OWN your power

Snake – Healing – You are a HEALER

Swan – Grace – APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY inside and all around you

So these seem pretty straight forward and what I need to hear today. I do need to honour my soul’s purpose more. I know I have all these things I want to achieve, maybe that I am meant to achieve and I haven’t achieved most of them as yet. I have a tendency to get distracted by the fun stuff in the world and in life, things that often don’t matter and definitely don’t help me get ahead in life. Like tweeting the golden globes yesterday, while obviously fun and all it didn’t help my writing get finished. It didn’t help me meditate and it didn’t help me teach the faeling child anything (except stop touching the computer but then again he didn’t seem to want to learn that)

I am a healer and the first thing I need to heal is myself. And I am working on it but I know I can work harder. I have good days and bad days. I need to have more good days, days where I like myself just that little bit more. Where I can see the beauty that is inside me, the beauty my friends and family obviously see and love. Sometimes it is hard to do. Especially at those times of the month when I am pre period so retaining that extra little chubbiness. (I nearly wrote chubby but decided that had far too many dodgy comments and I am not Ricky Gervais and can’t get away with dodgy erectile jokes)

I am enjoying working on Children of the Immortals and I am starting to see the themes in there. The messages and teachings I want to get out into the world. I think that has been my problem in the past the themes just haven’t been there or have been too hidden or too obvious. It is a fine balance and I think for once maybe I am going to get it right. I also need to realise that I am not writing this book for the prudes and unadvanced people who are going to freak out or get weird about some of the concepts I am conveying. They are not evolved yet enough to grasp it, well maybe next life people you can pick up my best selling writing and get something deep and meaningful from it. Or at least enjoy it as a good read.

I should be used to people not quite understanding me, I think and believe outside the box and that is cool and wonderful, I just need to stop caring what everyone else thinks and trying to be something I am not to fit in. It’s not me and if others don’t appreciate who I am truly am then I don’t really need them in my life anyway. I guess it’s the Leo in me that want to be loved by all and adored by many. But the Leo in me should also want them to adore me for me and not as someone else. So today’s mission be myself totally everywhere I go and communicate. Own my uniqueness, my power. Stand tall and shake my feathers for everyone to see. I hate pretending and editing myself to be more user friendly.

As Mika says Love Love ME!

Dolphin – Playfulness- Take time to Play

Antelope – Decisiveness – MAKE A DECISION and take appropriate action

Wolf – Guardian – YOU ARE SAFE and protected at all times

So life is doing that fun thing where it spirals out of your control and you feel totally helpless. I don’t want to go into details but life decisions and money are all conspiring to change the long term game plan.

I don’t like not feeling in control of my life because of things like a global economy breakdown, things I cannot in any way or shape control or bend to my almighty will. It blows the big one. Things that greedy men in power do to control the world and bend us over and give us one whether we like it or not.

But there are things in my life I can control and perhaps I am realising this morning I need to concentrate on them. Like my own body, what I eat, how much I exercise, how much I write and read. Things I am not really doing. Can I really complain about the big picture being out of my control when I won’t even make the effort to control the little picture? I’ve become too involved in internet life. I seem to go from one obsession to the next with it, from SPP to myspace to facebook to twitter. Granted it is fun, I am making friends and in the role playing being creative but is it really what I need to be doing to head my life in the right direction.

I keep lamenting everytime I look in the mirror the baby weight that is still hiding my real figure. The one I see in my head, the one I feel in my heart. Not a stick thin waif or anything, the curvy toned body of a dancer, of a minx (giggle). The way I know I want to look. I complain and complain and then have another banana split for dessert and look at my exercycle thinking “You know I should ride that tonight while we watch a movie.” And then I don’t. It is all my own fault. I love doing Zumba and Carman Electra Fit to Strip. I love to practice my dancing. So why the hell don’t I do it more. Because I let myself get pulled into the easy stuff, the fun stuff. I am my own self destructive obsession.

My goal this year is to get my writing to the point where I can approach an agent and say “Look I have these three separate novel series, I have these short stories, I have these children books and these poems. I have 672 other ideas waiting to be written. I am a cash cow for you if you will get the right publishing contract. I can make us both a shit load of money.” But I can’t do that while they sit half written, half edited, half created. And so far this year I have written twice. In 11 days I have created hardly anything. It is crap and I have very little excuse. I could have used free time for writing rather than tweeting, rather than watching nothing on television.

Sure I need time to play and keep my sanity but I don’t need as much time as I have been taking in the past.

Today hubs went back to work. So today starts my new routine, my new lifestyle. I can control these parts of my life. I can achieve what I want to achieve in these areas and perhaps the macrocosm will reflect the micro and I can gain control on the other parts of my life or at least gain the understanding that I do not need to control these things in my life. That not everything is controllable just the things I can. I can control things and I need to. And until I learn to control the small aspects of my life the easily controllable ones I will control nothing else.

The clock is ticking, my life is not infinite, I am thirty this year and I have no achieved some of the things that I had planned (Though I have two of the most important, a loving marriage and a wonderful child). So time to pull finger and get to it.

Today I start to find my own control.

I feel a hand in my own and turn to see Valdinor, my elfin seeming guide. “We are here to support you.” He says simply and squeezes my hand. The sun rises. The light envelops me with a fierce heat. I feel as if I am floating within a bubble of fire and light. The light seems to flow into me and then explode out my pores, my mouth, my eyes. I know I am hanging in the air like a burning crucifixion. All the bad in my body is being burned away. I am transitioning. The light in my eyes focuses and I see the path I should be walking on. I can see on either side the path I have been taking and the path I might take but I know the one before me is the one I should be walking. There is motion around me but I cannot see anything but the paths before me.

The heat begins to ease and I am lowered to the ground once more. The animals have formed a cirle around me. There are many. I have much to learn, much support to be given and many many friends who will help me on my way if I would put use them.

Horse

Platypus

Bengal Tiger

Wolf

Dog

Robin

Hawk

Jackal

Unicorn

Dragon

Ocelot

Lioness

Bat

Tortoise

Brown bear

Snake

Rhinoceros Beetle

A woman stands among the animals. She has blonde hair and a long white dress. The sun is still shining from her. I know without asking that if I were to ask her who she is she would reply “I am you and all that you can be, I am the mother gone before and the maiden yet to come, I am the wisdom of the ancient flowing in your veins, I am knowledge and peace, I am calm and surrender.”

She smiles and I feel peace inside. I know she will aid me if I call on her

A badger steps forward from the group. I had not noticed her before. She hands me a page and I read

‘Much in your life has fallen to the back or fallen away completely. You have been lost in things that do not move you forward as you must. Other things while being more irrelevant have thankfully given you a sense of power and intrigue. But now you must find the focus you once had. You must find the path once more. It is time to focus, a time for a new beginning. A time to become.

*Read all that you can

*Learn all that you wish

*Meditate daily

*Move your body freely to define it

*Eat what nature gives you and not only what man processes. You will feel better with a body cleansed

*Drink the flowing water, the more you drink the more pure you will feel

*Love

*Bring the child up as the child you wish him to be, teach him and he will learn

Daughter of the spirit, mother of the future, stop hiding in things you know to be meaningless. Stop denying you are who you are in the crutches of what other people may expect. Stop hiding. Why hide who you are and what you believe because of the frailty of others. Any who do not accept are not truly worthy. You are a bright shining light, do not be dimmed, do not shy away. Burn bright and burn well. Bring light to those you love and be a glimmer for those lost without their light.’

I move to give the piece of parchment back to the badger but she motions it is mine to keep. I know that I need to read it daily. I know I need to focus myself.

The woman in the white dress comes to stand at my left side. Valdinor still stands patiently at my right. They both place an arm around me and I am comforted and feel strong. I can feel my real world body healing itself. Renewing its energy. I know I can be who I want to be. I know I am no addict unable to see the things that are bad for me, the things that are wrong. I know my time of sickness is over, the transition complete. I am healed. I am whole. I am focused. I am ready

Rabbit – Fertility – You Creativity is at a peak
Buffalo – Abundance – You are provided for in all ways
Cougar – Confidence – Be bold and take charge
Lion – Courage – Ask for what you want
Otter – Surrender – Let go of control

I dreamed of an animal I still don’t know what it was but I was leaning towards leopard or cougar so I guess it makes sense that a big cat popped up in my reading.

Last night I was feeling a bit sorry for myself that I had all this time and nothing to do. Totally wrong of course as a writer there is always something to do if I just man up and make an effort. Its like that with most things with me. If I actually get my a into g and do something I can achieve all kinds of things. I’m not sure why I am so wired sometimes to laziness and copping out.

I need to get over that and grow up. Every decision I make is my own and I do not need to let so many “hard-wired” things control my life. I let myself seem that way, nothing else is controlling me just me.

So last night I did some writing, and this morning I did some more. I’ve done some house keeping and made a loaf of bread that is cooking. I can achieve so much. No minute should be wasted. I have no excuses except myself and I hate when people make stupid excuses so I shouldn’t let myself.

Hawk- Focus- CHOOSE YOUR PRIORITIES and eliminate all distractions.

Pretty pointed. But the weird/coincindinkle part is that I had a dream that featured a hawk very prominintly in it. So I’m thinking its a very BIG message. I woke up with a great idea for a story. I have done very little writing lately. Or researching for that matter. I think its about time I did. This idea, like many of my ideas, could be a good short story for the time being.

I need to relearn how to write a short story, they always tend to get away from me. So I think I should start back on writing again. I admit this week with being unwell I have been playing a bit of alchemy, too much SPP and spent far to much time on facebook leaving crazy comments on Lynette’s quiz results. I may have also watched a little DOOL (I know how sad is that….but its stuff I heard about 5 years ago when it was on in the states and we are only just getting it now. )(still no excuse I know!)

So some writing today I reckon. Now I just need to decide on the name I like better “Coven of 13″ or “13 of the power” or maybe I should just write and worry later

Okay so today is a good day where I am able to choose my mood, pick my battles. I had a good nights sleep. Kaeden is being good (well good for Kaeden, he has tried to go exploring into forbidden territory a few times lol) and I feel good. So its an easy decision. The trick will be remembering this wisdom and this enlightenment when I am not feeling the same way. When I am tired and grouchy and feel the world is conspiring to make my life a misery. (Cause I am egotistical enough to think the universe has nothing better to do with time that to make me miserable). I need to bring myself to the point when I am miserable that I can remember and can actually choose my mood. It would make my life so much better if I did. Because at the end of the day my grump is only making me more miserable. I should find something to be happy about, or enthused about. Take a walk, meditate, watch Practical Magic, have a hug. Anything that inspires good feelings.
Sometimes we need some help to be able to choose our mood positively. And getting help is not cheating or defeating the purpose.

Today I am choosing my mood. Today I am choosing to feel positive and loved. To feel snuggly in a warm home listening to the rain fall outside. The rain that will help the grotto grow..sorry too much Johnny and the Sprites with Kaeden. Instead of dreading tomorrow being alone here with K, I am enjoying being with A.

So remember don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things!