I am going to be having a total overhaul at some stage this week or the next with TrAff as I created pages and a home page with the launch of my new endeavours. I am hoping that it answers the need in someone. The overhaul won’t happen overnight but it will happen (just like full volume hair). Ten years ago I was quite the little website creator, but alas technology is a fickle lover and she has left me far behind in this case. With some help from the Elven Lord (aka Hubby) I hope to be able achieve something that looks as good as I want while still being functional and not overwhelming.

So I tried to do the daily reading this morning while Kaeden was up. Not the best idea. He was in one of those moods where he doesn’t really need me to play with him. He just wants to know that he has my complete and undivided attention. So we gave up on that idea. I then tried again when he was in bed. Still nothing. Well I picked cards and I wrote but it was drivel and just didn’t feel right or flow in anyway. It was forced and not what I was meant to be writing. I tried channel surfing for a bit to shut my mind off for a bit and came across a Gavin Rossdale song. It wasn’t inspiring or anything in itself but it allowed my mind to still and my body to relax and as that lovely shiver of energy (or oxytocin) ran through my body a poem formed. It was one of the rambling, rhyming, lyrical variety. No punctuation just many lines of words that run off on their own little story and eventually come home. I don’t think I’ve ever posted on of these poems. I’m not sure if they can be read or have to be heard or have to be written in a spiral around a giant poster with a beautiful image in the centre. Once the poem had burst forth onto the paper I picked up the Celtic Dragon cards again and lo and behold it worked. The message to my mind flowed and worked and I feel good again about it.

I had a mild panic that I really couldn’t do it, I couldn’t read the cards more often than a few times at random intervals as they called to me. But it seems I just have to find that quietness of the soul, the peace of creation and let myself do it. And if that doesn’t work take a break, have a kitkat and come back again.

I’ve been thinking alot this morning about choosing my mood, that all my complaints are of my own choosing. That in fact I make myself miserable more than not. I also decided that some people simply use twitter to make others as depressed as they are. If we all made the effort to be happy it would be contagious I’m sure.

I’ve also been thinking about the real me and how I don’t always let her out. I am a mystical, spiritual, creative, crazy and wonderful person and I shouldn’t be so scared that people won’t like it. Cause the fact of the matter is that all the people that matter do like it, and lots that don’t matter like it. And if some people that are just sometimes sort of friends don’t well that is fine and we don’t have to become bosom buddies.

I had a work out this morning; well most of one, Kaeden wasn’t very happy at the concept of me on the floor and not being a jungle gym for him. But I haven’t done it in ages. I haven’t been on I AM in ages and written stuff down. In my shame I have been keeping away, from my own bloody website! Why am I ashamed? I preach that we shouldn’t be, that we should just try again. I should just follow my own advice. But I don’t, stupid girl that I am at times.

Okay that’s enough mental overflow for the moment.

Pelican – Forgiveness – LET GO of your judgements

Koala – Empathy – Speak less and LISTEN MORE

So those ones are pretty self explanatory. Especially the Pelican. I think that is a person one for once. Often forgiveness is for those others in your life but I think it’s time to let go of self judgements. Body judgements, decision, judgements and all the life time of “stuff” that you are holding onto that is keeping you locked in negative cycles, self hating and loathing. The real step to being happy with your body is being happy with you, all the way through every level. Stop judging yourself and holding onto every little mistake you have made or time you have been involved in something you now regret. Okay so we need to learn from all our experiences but that does mean we need to cling to all the negative packaging that surrounds that lesson. We can’t grow and evolves and become the people we want to be if we are hunched over from the weight of all the crap on our back that we are not letting go of.

We are always going through changes and at the moment they are pretty big ones as we overhaul so many aspects of our lifestyle and ourselves. It isn’t easy and we do need to adapt and take time to realise that we need to adapt. It isn’t just going to happen (okay well sometimes it does) but really big changes do take effort to adapt to or eventually we will freak out and rebel against the changes thinking our life is no longer our control or spiralling away from us. Perhaps we all need to take time to reflect on that, meditate. Meditation doesn’t have to be about travelling to the spirit world or anything like that, it needs to be quiet time when its just you and the you inside your head. Take time to contemplate and explore life as it is going and make sure you are at peace with what is happening. There is no point in continuing on if we are not at peace with what we are doing.

Speak less, that is a rich one for me, I am constantly speaking and communicating. But I think this is to let me listen to well to me. Not just change in head first. I am often about action and not thought. I need to listen to me. To my instincts especially. We are conditioned to ignore instinct for mind. Our instincts are powerful things created and honed by all our experiences and all the wisdoms we have inherited. Use them, the more you use them, the more you trust them, the stronger and more on to it they will become. How many times have I ignored my initial gut reaction about someone and it has lead me to heartache or headache. Time to start listening up to me (that was directed at me, obviously if you are reading this you are already listening to me lol)

Not bad for 7.15am on a moody rain threatening day. I wonder if I can break my connection with the weather, so often I fall to depression that comes with the grey heavy clouds.  Speaking of depression check this article out for an interesting take on why so many woman in the western world suffer some form of depression or psychological condition. http://iamhappy.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=links&action=display&thread=35

Okay time for me to finish my green tea and get busy so I can find that time to meditate with myself.

Lizard – Dreamtime – Pay attention to your DREAMS and VISIONS

Well these two cards seem to slot together quite nicely. And it is what I am trying to do, though I think they go a bit deeper. I want to have daily meditation as part of my new regime and I didn’t yesterday. Granted yesterday was day one and I am not quite that brilliant that I assume I can do everything I want to from the very first day. I’ve done that before and it never lasts being all that gung ho. So I am not pushing myself. I have half a lifetime of experience in rebooting my life and I know what works and what doesn’t. But today I think, no I know, that I can find the time to meditate. I need to do it. I learn so much from my meditations. And I think perhaps I am ready now to act on them. So many lessons and offers of wisdom and help in my meditations have been pushed aside by me. Fear and laziness are the main culprits. Mainly laziness. It’s so much easier to just go along with the status quo in life than to push yourself for transformation. It’s so much easier to be (lol just typed me by accident, think that is a sign in itself lol) a normal person. Who wants to change and have to deal with the extra issues of being more aware and enlightened?

So if I’m doing this I guess I better be doing it all the way. And that means committing to my meditations too. They tell me things for a reason, there are things I can do to change and evolve, I need to just take the time and effort to do these things.

Spirit and dreamtime here I come!

A poem sits on the other page and though I try to read it the words never quite focus. I turn the page and there is a great tower, it is being struck by lightning and it is falling. I feel that I am inside the tower and I can feel it falling around me. Great stones toppling around me. The air is oppressive and I feel its weight. It is a great thing this tower falling. I know no magic could save its destruction. The page beside it is not fuzzy, its words beautifully calligraphy on the page.

Falling stones, falling moments, falling memories. Life rises and falls it is the nature of these things. As it falls around you be not afraid for all things must fall if we are to rebuild. This is your rebuilding. It is not smooth as the destruction is not complete yet. You feel the turmoil and destruction within you and around you. It flows through your mind and your soul and you are wound tight within it. You are near snapping and in places you have frayed. But have strength it will not tumble forever and then you may in all earnestness rebuild your tower within and without.

Do not look to the future but look to yourself. To the now and the how of who you have become and who you might wish to be. You cannot see the path ahead but need to find a place to put your feet. Look inside and see what you wish the path to hold, what you might imagine the destination to be. Walk the first step. Do not hurry.

Rome was not built in a day and neither were you. It takes time to tear down and time to build up. It takes time to return and to set forth once more. You will not build alone, you will not walk alone. You are not alone. But this alone is your decision. This alone is your struggle and though we may help we do so only at your bidding

A man enters I know him to be Valdinor but he is not in the appearance I know. “The shell is yours to change at will, as it is for me.” He says crossing the room to take my hand. I know this is not just a metaphor. My shell is mine to change if I can accept it and change it. He leads me from the room and we are in a courtyard of ruins. The vines have claimed the stones as their own and the result is beautiful. He twirls me by my hand “We have not danced in many moons, sometimes you forget you have. Your soul wishes to dance daily and yet you deny it the music from within it. You must dance and in the melody you will find your peace.” Our last dance was slow moving, elegant and beautiful. This dance as he leads me is passionate and fiery, quick moving and energetic. He stands taller now but somehow he is still the perfect height to dance me around the old stones. He dips me slowly and then spins me from him fast. I am now moving alone. The music is within me, I lead the step. I sway my body spinning to the beat. My body is alive with sensation and motion. My eyes are closed and I feel spirits around me dancing and moving with me. I sense Valdinor watching me, I sense his smile and his pride. I have not forgotten the dance of my soul, it is still here within me, flowing in my movement. I soar in delight. This is my magic. I hear his footsteps behind me and he take me into his arms once more and we dance together.

“Dance whenever, dance wherever. There is joy in you, there is magic in you and only in motion can you find this part of yourself. Dance often, feel the music.”

He dips me low and as he raises me up I return to myself

So this one didn’t immediately spring at me with a lesson or anything so I consulted the book “Animal Spirit Giuds” by Stephen D. Farmer. And it was clearly talking about taking time at night for my creativity and meditation.

Lately in the evenings pretty much all we do once Kaeden is asleep is eat and watch something, go to bed read for a few minutes and go to sleep. I think maybe I need to spend a little less time watching stuff. I am a night person (not quite as much as I was pre K were I would stay up to midnight doing things) and I think I need to take back that a bit. I have had some of my most amazing creative flashes at night (unfortunately many at night lying in bed when I have been too lazy to get up to right them down or even roll over and grab a pen and paper, thinking naively that they would be there in the morning). I need to use my zone time better. I can’t even think the last time I went and enjoyed being outside meditating under the full moon. Even Al has hardly been outside at night to enjoy the stars. Granted at the moment its been days since I’ve even seen the sky its al just grumpity clouds.

So tonight maybe instead of watching Scrubs I might take those few minutes before Lost to meditate or write or just have a more meaningful converstaion. And yes I am still a Lost fan although I am all kinds of confused about it. Hopefully tonights special might clear a few things up.

1. Wolf
2. Dragon
3. Raven
4. Hawk
5. Black Panther
6. Coyote
7. Unicorn
8. Lion
9. Scorpion
10. Serpent