I feel a hand in my own and turn to see Valdinor, my elfin seeming guide. “We are here to support you.” He says simply and squeezes my hand. The sun rises. The light envelops me with a fierce heat. I feel as if I am floating within a bubble of fire and light. The light seems to flow into me and then explode out my pores, my mouth, my eyes. I know I am hanging in the air like a burning crucifixion. All the bad in my body is being burned away. I am transitioning. The light in my eyes focuses and I see the path I should be walking on. I can see on either side the path I have been taking and the path I might take but I know the one before me is the one I should be walking. There is motion around me but I cannot see anything but the paths before me.

The heat begins to ease and I am lowered to the ground once more. The animals have formed a cirle around me. There are many. I have much to learn, much support to be given and many many friends who will help me on my way if I would put use them.

Horse

Platypus

Bengal Tiger

Wolf

Dog

Robin

Hawk

Jackal

Unicorn

Dragon

Ocelot

Lioness

Bat

Tortoise

Brown bear

Snake

Rhinoceros Beetle

A woman stands among the animals. She has blonde hair and a long white dress. The sun is still shining from her. I know without asking that if I were to ask her who she is she would reply “I am you and all that you can be, I am the mother gone before and the maiden yet to come, I am the wisdom of the ancient flowing in your veins, I am knowledge and peace, I am calm and surrender.”

She smiles and I feel peace inside. I know she will aid me if I call on her

A badger steps forward from the group. I had not noticed her before. She hands me a page and I read

‘Much in your life has fallen to the back or fallen away completely. You have been lost in things that do not move you forward as you must. Other things while being more irrelevant have thankfully given you a sense of power and intrigue. But now you must find the focus you once had. You must find the path once more. It is time to focus, a time for a new beginning. A time to become.

*Read all that you can

*Learn all that you wish

*Meditate daily

*Move your body freely to define it

*Eat what nature gives you and not only what man processes. You will feel better with a body cleansed

*Drink the flowing water, the more you drink the more pure you will feel

*Love

*Bring the child up as the child you wish him to be, teach him and he will learn

Daughter of the spirit, mother of the future, stop hiding in things you know to be meaningless. Stop denying you are who you are in the crutches of what other people may expect. Stop hiding. Why hide who you are and what you believe because of the frailty of others. Any who do not accept are not truly worthy. You are a bright shining light, do not be dimmed, do not shy away. Burn bright and burn well. Bring light to those you love and be a glimmer for those lost without their light.’

I move to give the piece of parchment back to the badger but she motions it is mine to keep. I know that I need to read it daily. I know I need to focus myself.

The woman in the white dress comes to stand at my left side. Valdinor still stands patiently at my right. They both place an arm around me and I am comforted and feel strong. I can feel my real world body healing itself. Renewing its energy. I know I can be who I want to be. I know I am no addict unable to see the things that are bad for me, the things that are wrong. I know my time of sickness is over, the transition complete. I am healed. I am whole. I am focused. I am ready

I know there is a lot of talk as to the validity of the books, if Anastasia truly exists. But I think that is somewhat beside the point. It is the wisdoms and truths discussed that should be of the most importance.

I find the books to be quite inspirational. And while I do not agree with every doctrine set forth, I believe that is still my choice.

I’m over three quarters of the way through it and I feel really good. I have been sitting in the lounge in the warm sunshine while Kaeden slept reading. I feel energised and filled through to the core with the warm glow of the sunshine and the words I have read. I have danced. I have written. I have thought. This is the way I want more of my days to be. I got up, checked my emails and then turned off my computer. I played with Kaeden and read when he did not want my attention. Then while he slept I read some more and as I said, danced, wrote, thought. And most of all I loved. I felt love for myself, I explored my love for others and for nature. If only I could remember how this feels and do it more often rather than being distracted by meaningless quizzes on facebook and earning non-existent coins on a game or talking to people who depress me, don’t understand me and really achieve nothing for my life, those “online friends” who really haven’t noticed that I am not online at the moment.

I know I am weak willed when it comes to most things of this technocratic world. I know I am lazy…finding it easier to grab a pie out of the freezer rather than heading outside to harvest a salad for my lunch. (Although I admit that is somewhat harder to do over winter). I choose to forget how good I feel when I do the things to make me feel good. I choose to forget how ill I felt after eating half a packet of chips. I need to take this warm feeling inside me now and remember it, cultivate it and strive to achieve it. I feel so happy and so alive right now doing the things I love to do. Why don’t I do them more.

My “instruction” to anyone who reads this today or any of the hundreds of tomorrows is to do something that fills you with light and warmth and do it. Be it reading, writing, taking a photo or hugging your child. Do it! And then keep doing it and keep finding the light and keep being you filled with light and warmth and love.

I know I’m usually a advocate of writing and doing the research after. But this story just won’t come. I know I am out of practice with my writing and need to get back into doing it daily and inviting my muse to come along and help out (read Stephen King on Writing to understand that reference). So doing this research is helping get my mind back into the game.

I also watched Practical Magic while I was researching. I love that movie and the way it makes me feel. The music is brilliant. I can see myself and my sisters in them too. There is an argument the sisters have and it is pretty much word for word one me and B had many years ago. I always cry at the end when they do the hands. Something about it really moves something deep inside. Plus watching it helped with some inspiration for my story.

The sun has come out today so that has helped my mood as well. As much as I love the moon I am a Leo, a child of the sun and it always helps energise me (even if it doesn’t seem to tan me anymore).

I think I shall go have a mandarin now and think about what I want to read next. I haven’t read a novel in a week or two and I am having withdrawls. I just need to find something to read. I am desperate to read “The Singing Stone” by OR Melling. But I cannot find anywhere in NZ that has it or sells it So off to the bookcase I go…

I feel really confident and positive about life, about myself. So confident in fact I am willing to let people know about this site. Not scared about the reaction. And I know some people will have one. There are people who are not open to the concept of who I am and what I believe….or more to the point what I “don’t believe” even though they have no idea what I believe.

So I am going to put this site out there (even though I am not totally finished designing….I doubt I ever will be because it will change with my moods and myself) and see where the chips fall. For all I know no-one will even look or if they do they won’t care and I am gearing myself up for nothing….most probably…there is that ego again

I am determined to make my life what I want it to be. Make myself who I want to be. Stop hiding behind banality and fear. Hey if Donna Noble can be the most important person for the universe I can be in my universe. Truth be told I see myself as more of a Rose though… could be the blonde hair

This Salmon is swimming against the current to get where I need to go. Its a challenge and hard work but BRING IT ON!

Okay so today is a good day where I am able to choose my mood, pick my battles. I had a good nights sleep. Kaeden is being good (well good for Kaeden, he has tried to go exploring into forbidden territory a few times lol) and I feel good. So its an easy decision. The trick will be remembering this wisdom and this enlightenment when I am not feeling the same way. When I am tired and grouchy and feel the world is conspiring to make my life a misery. (Cause I am egotistical enough to think the universe has nothing better to do with time that to make me miserable). I need to bring myself to the point when I am miserable that I can remember and can actually choose my mood. It would make my life so much better if I did. Because at the end of the day my grump is only making me more miserable. I should find something to be happy about, or enthused about. Take a walk, meditate, watch Practical Magic, have a hug. Anything that inspires good feelings.
Sometimes we need some help to be able to choose our mood positively. And getting help is not cheating or defeating the purpose.

Today I am choosing my mood. Today I am choosing to feel positive and loved. To feel snuggly in a warm home listening to the rain fall outside. The rain that will help the grotto grow..sorry too much Johnny and the Sprites with Kaeden. Instead of dreading tomorrow being alone here with K, I am enjoying being with A.

So remember don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things!