Taking Control

Black Panther – Passion – Follow your Passion

Dolphin – Playfulness- Take time to Play

Antelope – Decisiveness – MAKE A DECISION and take appropriate action

Wolf – Guardian – YOU ARE SAFE and protected at all times

So life is doing that fun thing where it spirals out of your control and you feel totally helpless. I don’t want to go into details but life decisions and money are all conspiring to change the long term game plan.

I don’t like not feeling in control of my life because of things like a global economy breakdown, things I cannot in any way or shape control or bend to my almighty will. It blows the big one. Things that greedy men in power do to control the world and bend us over and give us one whether we like it or not.

But there are things in my life I can control and perhaps I am realising this morning I need to concentrate on them. Like my own body, what I eat, how much I exercise, how much I write and read. Things I am not really doing. Can I really complain about the big picture being out of my control when I won’t even make the effort to control the little picture? I’ve become too involved in internet life. I seem to go from one obsession to the next with it, from SPP to myspace to facebook to twitter. Granted it is fun, I am making friends and in the role playing being creative but is it really what I need to be doing to head my life in the right direction.

I keep lamenting everytime I look in the mirror the baby weight that is still hiding my real figure. The one I see in my head, the one I feel in my heart. Not a stick thin waif or anything, the curvy toned body of a dancer, of a minx (giggle). The way I know I want to look. I complain and complain and then have another banana split for dessert and look at my exercycle thinking “You know I should ride that tonight while we watch a movie.” And then I don’t. It is all my own fault. I love doing Zumba and Carman Electra Fit to Strip. I love to practice my dancing. So why the hell don’t I do it more. Because I let myself get pulled into the easy stuff, the fun stuff. I am my own self destructive obsession.

My goal this year is to get my writing to the point where I can approach an agent and say “Look I have these three separate novel series, I have these short stories, I have these children books and these poems. I have 672 other ideas waiting to be written. I am a cash cow for you if you will get the right publishing contract. I can make us both a shit load of money.” But I can’t do that while they sit half written, half edited, half created. And so far this year I have written twice. In 11 days I have created hardly anything. It is crap and I have very little excuse. I could have used free time for writing rather than tweeting, rather than watching nothing on television.

Sure I need time to play and keep my sanity but I don’t need as much time as I have been taking in the past.

Today hubs went back to work. So today starts my new routine, my new lifestyle. I can control these parts of my life. I can achieve what I want to achieve in these areas and perhaps the macrocosm will reflect the micro and I can gain control on the other parts of my life or at least gain the understanding that I do not need to control these things in my life. That not everything is controllable just the things I can. I can control things and I need to. And until I learn to control the small aspects of my life the easily controllable ones I will control nothing else.

The clock is ticking, my life is not infinite, I am thirty this year and I have no achieved some of the things that I had planned (Though I have two of the most important, a loving marriage and a wonderful child). So time to pull finger and get to it.

Today I start to find my own control.